I WANT TO GO HOME.

Yes i want to go home.
don't want princess to grow up in a very chaotic world.
i don't want her to grow up in the house of
no money no happiness,
when there's no money everything shoots up and gets cranky
where there will be no comparing as to what you are or what you have become
little bumkins can be at peace
all i want for now is all for my kids to grow up in a world
of security full of love and purely happiness that cannot be bought or be played
that happiness cannot be bought.
i would be hypocrite to say that i don't need money, yes of course i need money we need money
but not for my happiness.
if i die happy because i have spent so much on useless things and doings, question is- can that be a credit to my place in heaven?... will my soul be happy?
i am happy because i know i have friends who cares for me so much ...
who knows the reality of me deeply.
where i can cry the whole night and still can tell me that its okey and that is nice
where before they have to say goodbye they can hug and tell me i'll be fine.
where i have a very very uber nice sister who is more like a better half of me.. ha.ha.ha.
where i have a beautiful daughter christer who knows how she made my life more meaningful and soon, she'll share that "making life more meaningful" with bumkins...
after all i live for them both. i will live for them both. only for them.
as my late father told me, my children are my treasure, i have to keep them all beside me,
i will never trade them for anything.
they are my life. they are my all. second to the Giver of our life...
and i thank Him for them.
i was thinking and asking myself....
was there a mistake? well i have learned, but too late to re-do.
its okey i'll be fine. life is learning and if that can't be undone,
impart them to those who are about to take the risk!
life is hard. unfair. but such is life.
God knows ....

I surrender.

well these past days i have been not feeling quite very very well, until the time i talked to my dear sister.
the feeling of so super down, their are few moments in my life that i felt this way so effin low. first is when my dear father died, second is when yeah i have to admit when my sister left me.. and now this what i call pregnancy blues, i was still sane to keep track of it and realized that im nearing depression only to realize i am in it. cried for effin days, so many things cramped up inside my head, and the least i could do is text my papa, and my dear friends for guidance some spiritual guidance as i have notice that i cannot do it all in my own... my powers are not sufficient for such kind of situation especially it comes from me.. the problem is me, i have to re think an dre evaluate and still i get nothin', yeah my sister told me i got no one, the world did not stop and i was expecting so much from it so much from person of which i knew back then that i have got nothing to expect from. end up holding my princess christer tight and told her everything will be alright im just being emotional and expecting so much of what is not supposed to be or maybe i want somethings to change but it never did. so many issues that i just want to do away or just wanting them to get lost, at the end where i pity myself. that when i realized that i am now singing the SANDRA song by mr. manilow.... and its not effin funny.
just before i close my eyes i admit i told myself this is the last night im gonna cry.... but noh... woke up only to find out i got a message and it says "nice".... oh my... pregnancy blues aren't nice at all.... so again i go back to sleep and was consoled with the song that hummed in my heart, princess christer woke up and touch my face, and i get to let her go back to sleep and hummed the song to her ..... thank you Lord for the trials.... after i replied to the message... and again i woke up i cried. yeah that did not work. princess christer slept, and im so tired my eyes are puffed i look damn silly, and still feeling the depression goes up and down.... i want to barf it out... but noh i have to deal with it, i have to do this on my own no one can...
still singing thank you Lord, assuring myself of His endless caring and love for me and my love ones.
you see, i thought its only in the movies where:
a mother, well a pregnant mother who cries in the shower, stays there for long only to comfort her own self, when she feels that no one cares..... where a pregnant mother cries alone in the night for no reason at all. a pregnant mother keeps on missing people, that only pregnant mother feels the depression .... fearing the unknown ....
normal as they may say, but not to me.
still holding on to my faith. to quote r. daulo... "it is in pain that i feel more connected and united with Him, His very life shared is deeper love than just providing our needs. Teaching us to love as he loved is deeper love than sparing us from hurts... " yeah he is crying with me. thank you r. daulo.
and so continue to sing thank you for the trial Lord....
by the way im still missing my sister!
to my bumkins, keep cool nanay is just being funny!
manang christer, thank you for making nanay feel special with all your smooches and hugs, segi na tagay na sg vitamins...

He is all...

well so far so good
behind all those echus eclavush murateng bokboken i am well taken cared of by my mighty Lord... miss my papa mons very much.
and the sanity begins.
harhar...
sensing that only in my insanity i can be too sane...
i can see clearly now.
life has fuckin' changed....
and there is more to come...
haircut????
chubby color sticks...
oh well had all the fun and slip of money becuz i splurge on christer's play area
mattings, chubby sticks, wall papers -- wrapper rather.. hahahah
ohhh manang sophie's barbie's are good nahhah
i want her to have that cubby holes
sister love you
whenever i lie down on my bakc and my feet are on the wall
i thought of you... and i miss you much
Jesus its christmas once again.....
daw ga lingin ulo ko haw......
segi i miss my sister.....

open letter to renz.

dear renz, madugay ko na bala gina think ang imo nga status in life right after your day, where you said "kung gaan ka guid man tani now na!".... baw sa akun nga matag adlaw nga bakho i tell you kung indi man lang worth indi na lng pag pilita pangamoyo kay mabudlay man, especially nga madamo as in super madamu ang adjustment. abi ko una have to adjust with in-laws since i know status will be like living-in with them, kay te given na ang bata la pa nalutas sa iya iloy, but then three days in a row i have realized its not the in-laws i have to deal with, to the point nga daw malagyo ko. and then damu pa guid. nga kun ang alpot mag busong sa taga gab-i nya nga obra, muna kadamu ang adjustment. blame it to hormonal ups and downs, plus dealing with the little girl's yaya, or basi i am being too masculino lang in dealing with cleanliness and tidiness of just about everything, kag gasakit ang ulo ko ka think, kadamo lang, yes of course indi ko madula sa paminsarun ko ang super irritating sometimes the people nga daw la lang ya paki-alam eh, things are unfair, but i have to live with that, te start na sg sinuplada galore. start na ang mantra nga "WALA AKO PAKI-ALAM SA IBAN ANG BATA KO LANG AKUN ATUPAGUN! if others are not fine with that... the hell with you!... im counting..... 1234567..... ara man ang time nga daw lilinti-an na guid ang idea nga moving out (well im thinking about it... have to make moolah for that dream thing!) right after baby manghud is out... God help me... thank you.

desiderata by Daniel O'Donell

its a very nice inspirational song, it keeps me feet on the ground.
and yeah at peace with life. contented.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right...
Desira - desiderata
Desidera - ta

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
And remember what peace there may be, in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly,
And listen to others,
Even the dull and ignorant;
They too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
They are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
You may become vane and bitter;

For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Enjoy your achivements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
However humble;
It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
Many persons strive for high ideals;
And everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especialy do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
It is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the council of the years,
Gracefully serrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline;
Be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
No less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding;
As it should.

Therefore be at peace with god,
Whatever you conceive him to be,
And whatever your labours and aspirations,
In the noisey confusion of life,
Keep peace with your soul.

With all it's sham,
Drudgery and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. strive to be happy.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
You have a right to be here.
You are a child of the universe.

St. Teresa of Avila

was busy preparing for the place, surrounded by much of greens and some angel figurines i put on hanging and some near those cute candles, and i thought of its time for me to rest, but before that i said to myself i want to pray in front her relic because i might not be able to do that the following day since people are going to swarm, there i saw her lying with flowers on her breast of course it has to be red roses, dress in her all time favorite vestment, she is nun, a doctor of the church, my patron saint.. and so i silently prayed for good health, guidance, for my family especially for my daughter, my baby inside, my husband, my brothers and sister and their families and my mom with eyes closed fervently praying, and then i touch her... and shocked that she moved!!! off i run so fast shouting "WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and when i looked back i saw her coming after me... well the rush and everything that one felt being chased i felt. whew!... she reached me and i was like speechless, she asked me "anu na to ang gina pangayo mo?" (what was that you we're asking about?) and guess what i replied... "wala na lang, wala na lang" (nothing, nothing!) and I WOKE UP!... i laughed, and at the same time told my self that was my only chance to tell her everything and then i gotten so stupid. because i dunno what to do!... she's a saint and long been dead of course and her she is chasing me?... oh well it was just a dream but then i know that she is listening to my prayers, and my stories.. and my future life stories.
Prayer to St. Teresa of Avila
Lord, grant that I may always allow myself
to be guided by You,
always follow Your plans,
and perfectly accomplish Your Holy Will.
Grant that in all things,
great and small,
today and all the days of my life,
I may do whatever You require of me.
Help me respond to the slightest prompting of Your Grace,
so that I may be Your trustworthy instrument for Your honour.
May Your Will be done in time
and in eternity by me, in me, and through me. Amen.

A Prayer after Individual Confession (This beautiful prayer by St Teresa was found in a pamphlet in the Cathedral of Saint Matthew the Apostle, Washington, District of Columbia for a Communal Prayer Service. The service was lead by Theodore Cardinal McCarrick, Archbishop of Washington.)

Although I have often abandoned you, O Lord, you have never abandoned me. Your hand of love is always outstretched towards me, even when I stubbornly look the other way. And your gentle voice constantly calls me, even when I obstinately refuse to listen. When the sins in my soul are increasing, I lose the taste for virtuous things. Yet, even at such moments, Lord, I know I am failing you and failing myself. You alone can restore my taste for virtue. There are so many false friends willing to encourage sin. But your friendship alone can give the strength of mind to resist and defeat sin.

What a good friend you are, Lord! You are so patient, willing to wait as long as necessary for me to turn to you. You rejoice at the times when I love you, but you do not hold against me the times when I ignore you. Your patience is beyond my understanding. Even when I pray, my mind fills with worldly concerns and vain daydreams. Yet you are happy if I give only a single second of honest prayer, turning that second into a seed of love.

Oh Lord, I enjoy your friendship so much, why is it not possible for me to think of you constantly?

St. Teresa of Avila, Pray for Us.......

of motherhood. of mothers. ay ambot ah!

there came a time where i lost my respect and i hated so much. still i manage to weight everything down.
here's a not so fun moment, just one of those nasty days, where you wake up well pretty okey, since i have to drag myself from bed, since i feel so oh so sluggish, yeah another pregnancy diary that i have to ponder as every pregnancy differs from another. so this time its different. way different i may say. super different. with a nagging headache. a sleepy sleepy feeling most of the time, i just want to sleep, and dilly dally around with princess. read a book and sleep. eat something that won't leave any after taste yucky vomit feeling. had breakfast and some not so nice conversation started.
money. is the root of all evil. i don't think so, i think the one who handles the money has all the evil roots that spurs right after he/she have it right under his/her nose.... or wanting it spurs the evil in a person. not the money. hehehehehehehe.......jimminy cricket!
RESPECT
what really is respect?
according to merriam-webster - high or special regard : esteem : the quality or state of being esteemed plural : expressions of respect or deference respects>

question is does our parents deserve our respect after those known and unknown failures they have done, caused us some troubles sometimes?
i think yes, after all they are my parents, and i owe to them whatever or wherever i am now, and if i was hurt or was not cared for well or not given a chance to do whatever i wanted to do, or never had my good times then, they are still there for me, yeah some parents can be too i dunno but still they are parents and they bore you, by the mere fact that especially mothers(not being biased here) was so eager to carry us around for nine months bear with our being difficult when we we're young, took care of us literally, forgotten their own emotions, feelings trashing all that they wanted because they are so overwhelmed by your existence thru them , just by that, i know all i can give to my parents are my respect, there may be times that i hated my mother's idiosyncrasies, her lifestyle, how she cook, how she manages our home then, still she is mother, she cared for me for nine months while being so fragile inside her, and still took care of me after she bore me, and until now she is (though sometimes a bit eweness! but still she is my mother) i may hate her for being bias to us her children sometimes but hey she has all the reasons and by just that one reason because i am her child. i never had that so happy moments with my mother then, or a big bonding with her - - and i cannot blame her for that, i know in some way she nurtured me, though my heart is more of my fathers' but hey i know she loved me and she always does, and it pains her so much if i am in pain too. i know that. and behind all those mischief i did i know she masked it all because she loves me, we fight yeah because we love each other and we cannot let go of each other.
there was even a time i stand for what i believed in, and i went out of the house i know she is just waiting for me at home, i was just at my friends house was so stubborn of what happened, afternoon arrived and still i wasn't home, she went to where i am and having a stick on her hand, wanting me to go home, funny but yeah she wanted me to go home .... but that stick did not hit me, if i refused maybe i had it. but because she loves me much she is willing to give me that plack! of stick just me to go home and be well in her eyes. but that did not made me hate her, but i loved her, could you imagine how much she loves me?... hahah...
she wanted her respect, and i know how the wrath of mothers goes. once they commence what is to be done, if they are so furious of what is going on, whether your old or young, her chalangga, or the apple of the eye, they are mothers who gets hurt first, they will cry for you, beg for you... fight for you.
my mother is not perfect, she has some flaws too, but who are we to ask for a perfect mother?...
who are we to question their being our parents?... who are we to ask for a change of parents?
who are we to question what they did for us?....
love and respect is what they need.... they are our parents we owe our lives to them, she is my mother she did everything to let me live. she gave away her body to nurture me.

so this goes to my mother, sorry if i have caused you pain sometimes, sorry if i have been so stubborn, sorry if i have been so disrespectful of you of talking back at you, but hey i love you. and thank God you are my mother. because if not for you i won't be writing this. you are incomparable.
to my mother in-law, you did well of raising your children, because if not, i won't be marrying my husband! you deserve to be respected no matter what.
to all the mothers out there ( teary eyed na ko!) this earth is useless to live in if you are not around. because of you, life was never been better!...
to all the women.... we cry because we know how to love, we get hurt easily because we know how it feels, we feel because we are women! and we deserve to be cared and loved and get to have that hug!.... papa i miss your hug!.. huhuhu...
to all the men.... who always wanted to get attached to us wo-men!... thank you for loving us, and thank you for bearing with us your wives, and karma to you who do not respect us women...

some thoughts

happy yes i am. and i know im one of the happiest person in this whole damn world. wahahaha.
today is 07-24-2009, yup and i got it so positively positive.
God's blessing is really endless.
who could have thought?.. well we did, we love it. thats why its there.
ha.ha.ha. God really hears our fervent prayer.
and we know God will help us through whatever that will be.
because i believe God gives us what really our hearts desire,
and that he never gives us what we cannot carry.
charannnn....
and again the excitement is unexplainable.
i have so many worries.
worries not about the gift,
but with others.
of which i was thinkin' im not suppose to worry about that.
it should be nonsense to me now. since i have to form my own family
still i cannot hide the idea of i have to look back at those and ponder
and sometimes yea i have to say i was bitter
but then i tried holding on to what is essential.
above all those i know LOVE is in the air for me as always.
and that is what i have been my line ever since.
i have been hurt and i may have hurt someone along the way,
i may have made others to cry, or i have made others think negatively
towards me, but then i say to you, i don't hold your heart nor your brain
to think to feel like that, i may have caused it in purpose of which i am trying and tried not to,
im sorry, still LOVE is what i hold on to.
motherhood really gives you something so much of what is what if and what about.
my family is growing, and i have to teach them right values, together with my husband,
although yeah as of now im kinda confused over "Did i do the right thing?"
i don't think so, etc etc etc..
and so i have to give myself credit for that, since i have told myself that i cannot.
and i don't want to get hurt along the way or short and simple.
i am just trying to avoid and much evil side of me to be revealed.

thoughts are pointless. to others it is. to me perhaps.
i just want to let it go. and sleep well.

xoxo

hold on. still thinking,.

thoughts. aw...
but it seems that i need some quite time over that.

lately i have been so lame of going to the usual area of the city
the bank.
i dunno why. i just had this hmmmm.. do i need cash?
ha!ha!.. i guess the time i became a mom to princess, a single cent matters
now that what i call mommy diaries.
but when it comes to food i don't take any chances of keeping it in, as long as it is healthy.
what?.. healthy?
do i hear healthy food?.... hahah...
yes healthy food for her. for us?... nahhh for me for sure it would be like binge.
reasons now i know. because of my body and my brain tricked me of i need to eat because i lack of sleep.
excuses.
i have lots of them, even you can have loads of 'em.
food is now in check, hubby needs to have that healthy lifestyle.
come with the rainiest season ever! as for me.. yah... rainiest season ever.
so i have tracked down pilates/yoga mag i had like two years ago, to feel better ..
and yup i want to have that exercise ball... pink one ha!.. i need that..
the problem is... when i was about to start ( not yet bought that ball ha!) my yoga/pilates
comes mother of ours "baby...... lantawa anay!" ha! with urgency. take note with urgency.
hay okey get up from the position and look at what she wants.... wanting me to do something about her antiqu sewing machine,. and then when i wa sabout to go out to get me water, come hubby peeping out of the bathroom and asked for a towel.....
and i shush myself of saying... I CANNOT DO WHAT I WANT TO DO AND I NEED TO DO BECUZ YOU CANNOT DO WHAT YOU CAN DO!
only princess can do that to me.... and hell with all the mean things!... hehehe
to tell you frankly maaaaannnnn..... i did what they asked me.
happiness?.... scratched my head and head off!... and hug my baby and tell her i will buy her a snack food and a real food suits her and buy her juice too.

ahhhh walking along the road of bonifacio drive and thinking about her,..... consolation. i wanted to get out of the city and just take that long naps with her ...... not now. not this time of the year. raining. thunder. lightning. weather gone baaaaad...

i wish harold could call. and sing. just sing. hehehe speechless i am. so just call me and sing... toinks!

me and my baboy.

chismiss for those who know me well ... my wedding is not a blast but a memorable one for me and my hubby and stress free celebration, well thought of and yes we tried our damn very best to fill each others dream wedding, so we did some compromise and agreed for the future and for the best. we saved for the celebration, settled ourselves for the fund and made a pact for what we both truly believed .... becuz for us getting married is not just like buying a candy at the iloilo hall of justice for us .. considering we are both a catholic not that devout though but we believe in its sacredness, its blessing and what is beyond ... our love story i may say is a super roller coaster ride, but we survived and we joined hearts and heads to make it happen ... we have a very opposite family but we managed. we both have our individual differences .. we managed we compromise becuz we love. there are times that we are being pushed to our limits we struggled, i had sleepless nights, he has long hours of silence, we have different views, perceptions, and sometimes we do not believe in one thing. but we managed. becuz we love. .. and even up to now that we have princess to date 10months and a day old, we still have our differences, we still have different beliefs in just about something sometimes, he still doesn't like the idea of eating balot, my idea of buying shoes, idiosyncrasies of both our family, we laugh it off, the ideas or point of views of our friends that we really really do not like, but still they are our friends... we manage to keep our feet on the ground because that is where it belongs. and not to forget that love is what we need. we believe in these ( or i may say we agree!) love is what made us, so love will lead us through, because we love so we are here. because we love we have to endure!... no books to read and nothing to fancy about while i am playing farm town on FB.. and having this eyebrows to raise over employee inconsistency over job being done, and hubby is taking his time cracking his head over prices from supplier...
read read read read .... and then whoa~!..
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