solitude.

1st day... just me and kids...

2nd day just me and kids

3rd day just me and kids

4th day ust me and kids

there were times in my days of my solitudeness to myself... trying to internalize more deeply of what reality is for me now.. as it sinks, as it slowly unfolds...

and all over again i kept on asking me self..

is this really what i want to happen?

is this what we have agreed before?...

is this where everything start?..

is this the mystery that is being wanted by so many?

the feeling is overwhelming since i get to stand into that situation, its like its all around me and all i could do is accept it but part of me says no... part of me i have to embrace it...

and all my answer was just like a mere smoke that floats... i don't want to accept that changes those realities those face that changes and what i have been believing what is that.. what is to be .... what is becoming of me...

yes it made me more of a better person, its not a question of my faith, for i know that he is always there and i know that he gives me more of my freedom to choose and his love for me is endless, undying, amazingly felt and greatly appreciated. i have seen more the bitter side of life, seen and felt what it feels like.

been in between hiccups and sobs, been in both worlds, been felt life and death, gave birth, felt the pain that no one could ever explain. felt the happiness no one ever experienced, for my pain, my sufferings, my happiness is not the same as the others.. and so i know you don't understand a thing... and so you end up letting it go.. letting it float

letting it it just fade away. but there are times that i would want to give up, but no, i now live not for myself anymore but for them-- my daughter and my son... they are what i am living for, whatever i am doing is for them, whatever i am fighting for is for them. if i may have been stupid... might as well be stupid for them my kids, not for others.

and so i guess its really really reality...

its not perfect, i may say it is .... but really its not perfect. who ever managed to say it is.. well i think its time to wake up and face the reality, since my children aren't in the world of make believe... they grow and what they see what they hear.. si what they will be absorbing... and thats what they are going to believe... thus enters my fears....

but no matter what.. i will be there for them.

ouch headache.....

no one lives alone. somebody needs someone. someone needs one. one needs God... God loves everyone.

just buzzing in!

at some point in one's life, one got to.. i mean just got to think a lot of the situation.. situational analysis? whatever.

and so i did. 1.30am, while suppose to finish the remaining ten invites that is due monday, but will beg for it to be delivered on the night of monday ... and that is deadline already. ha!the dealine was already dead i think it was suppose to be done .. nahhh... brush it off... it adds to the insanity of me.

back to the the analysis.

oh mean.. what was that again?

hmppf! poof.. i think i need to write me mom and me sister a letter, that would be great, will have to do that in betweens, yup and its going to be situations. i know me mom will be a better solution for such situations. but im pretty sure well everythings gonna be different, just taking some point of views, some nicely points.. and well perhaps that would ease a little bit of my situation. or maybe the situation i shove my ass into and the kids. but anyway the rest is okey, it just that at some point the more i have thought about it and have drawn a big line in between what's better and not, drawing the line comparing the reality of it all and yeah the difference. thats it. but as of the moment i can't seem to do anything about it, yes i can do something about it but it entails a lot of everything.. part of me would be my world. my everything. my all. and so i bet on my being. sister knows that my being is at stake. the situation is when one is in a wild environment... hmmm lots of things, for quite some time i have been thinking... my kids being are the one at stake. i can compromise but not my children ... because they are growing up. and i know they need me, they need their father, ... sometimes i do.. yes i do what other bitches do.. (please im referring to not the real bitch but to the idea of bitching around! - - walang paki-alam!) well thanks to you hubby ... you did great in making me your minion. oomph! its like im in the world of full people but i care not to see you all.... the hotel california. yay!... and its all comin' back t me, realizing the psyche... was i a psychologist in my past?.. i bet not. i am the daughter of my father and my mother.. who build and nurture my capability to endure, to really savor the moment, that everything is goin' to be fine, that this is just the icing on the cake of what real life is... what really is that real life? what really is the outer world?.. what is that really their saying of WHEN YOUR OUT IN THE WORLD? well i think its being IN ... all the feelings all the actions all the activities all that surrounds you and waiting patienly, for you to discover and do something great about it... my out in the world maybe my family.. my so called kids.. because im still in awe of .. (looking at my princess and duke...) how in the world did i popped you one by one in this crazy world? and then all are ironed, out my freckles are gone and my soon to be wrinkled poofed out burned out face are gone!.. because i so remembered the first time i saw them ..... out of me. that is my picture of peace and for being grateful for whatever that God has given me and will be given me ( yeah!) whatever would that be.. with open arms.. . that after that i cannot just lie there and let those vials of medicine drowse me off to sleep... noooo.. now i know why... i want them i need them they need me too... this is it... the reality of mother hood is sinking in, the so called married life is upon me already.. i have been acting about it but this is it. this the reality that soon would seep down my veins... I AM A MOTHER AND A WIFE.... i bet i still don't feel like nagging... ha! change the concept of wife / mother as the one who nags...please.. i am trying my best not to ... but how will i know?... i look for my center. i look inside ... thank You for always guiding me,... thank You for always embracing me. thank you for taking care of me.. thank You for all the best that came my way and for the not best who made me strong.... ZzzzzZZZzzzz...