I surrender.

well these past days i have been not feeling quite very very well, until the time i talked to my dear sister.
the feeling of so super down, their are few moments in my life that i felt this way so effin low. first is when my dear father died, second is when yeah i have to admit when my sister left me.. and now this what i call pregnancy blues, i was still sane to keep track of it and realized that im nearing depression only to realize i am in it. cried for effin days, so many things cramped up inside my head, and the least i could do is text my papa, and my dear friends for guidance some spiritual guidance as i have notice that i cannot do it all in my own... my powers are not sufficient for such kind of situation especially it comes from me.. the problem is me, i have to re think an dre evaluate and still i get nothin', yeah my sister told me i got no one, the world did not stop and i was expecting so much from it so much from person of which i knew back then that i have got nothing to expect from. end up holding my princess christer tight and told her everything will be alright im just being emotional and expecting so much of what is not supposed to be or maybe i want somethings to change but it never did. so many issues that i just want to do away or just wanting them to get lost, at the end where i pity myself. that when i realized that i am now singing the SANDRA song by mr. manilow.... and its not effin funny.
just before i close my eyes i admit i told myself this is the last night im gonna cry.... but noh... woke up only to find out i got a message and it says "nice".... oh my... pregnancy blues aren't nice at all.... so again i go back to sleep and was consoled with the song that hummed in my heart, princess christer woke up and touch my face, and i get to let her go back to sleep and hummed the song to her ..... thank you Lord for the trials.... after i replied to the message... and again i woke up i cried. yeah that did not work. princess christer slept, and im so tired my eyes are puffed i look damn silly, and still feeling the depression goes up and down.... i want to barf it out... but noh i have to deal with it, i have to do this on my own no one can...
still singing thank you Lord, assuring myself of His endless caring and love for me and my love ones.
you see, i thought its only in the movies where:
a mother, well a pregnant mother who cries in the shower, stays there for long only to comfort her own self, when she feels that no one cares..... where a pregnant mother cries alone in the night for no reason at all. a pregnant mother keeps on missing people, that only pregnant mother feels the depression .... fearing the unknown ....
normal as they may say, but not to me.
still holding on to my faith. to quote r. daulo... "it is in pain that i feel more connected and united with Him, His very life shared is deeper love than just providing our needs. Teaching us to love as he loved is deeper love than sparing us from hurts... " yeah he is crying with me. thank you r. daulo.
and so continue to sing thank you for the trial Lord....
by the way im still missing my sister!
to my bumkins, keep cool nanay is just being funny!
manang christer, thank you for making nanay feel special with all your smooches and hugs, segi na tagay na sg vitamins...