im here....

im here not knowing what to do
what to say
it seems that i have gone too far
gone too far that i don't know how to react

i thought all the while i will be just recalling
trying to fix the issues
but then it sudeenly seeps inside me
ahhhh
unfathomable.... that what it is...
and it leaves me just like that
.....

all i know is that i never stopped loving....
and that there was never a time i did not love...
and that from a far i shall just continue loving you...

for i know i can't be me this me... if i have not found love...

God, thank you for such feeling and complex emotions.. thanks for showing me how much can i give and how much can i recieve... .. thanks!

for now i will rest and think of how much love i have...

im just here in one corner... thinking... loving... filling the void....

regresa a mi

i've been drowning me self over il divo lately.
thinking of what if and how could it be?..
then it came to a point wherein again i cannot understand
perhaps its just the way things are,
put me self to sleep after the song regresa a mi... unbreak my heart

and then i dream...i dream of you ...
walking with you...holding hands...talking
all that have been so nonsense became full of sense
with meanings that only you and me can comprehend
of which i have not understood during the time i am wanting to understood.
we look at each other...
you gave me the smile i have been wanting..
just a smile, the smile that lingers through my brain
and keeps my heart pumping.. skipping a beat....
you gave me big great hug, feeling your tender and the warmest hug ever
we sat by the bench, its like i have a big angel on my side
when you hoold me by the hand
i though of i am wanting you so much...
you never talked of wanting me
never asked me "how about us"
or there could be "us"
there could be a time that could be "us"
thoughts came rushng,
in my dream i owned you
in my dream i have touched your deepest soul
in my dreams i love you
in my dreams i know you were mine,
in my dreams i have hold your hand
walked with you
talked with you
kissed you and in my dreams you hugged me.


and i woke up... realizing that...
i know i cannot have you since i know i cannot posses you
why?.. i might be losing you after...
that i know i can love you at a distance
that in my heart i know that i love you
to posses you all to myself only to mysef
is such a big mistake i am going to make
selfish and i know you won't be able to live
you have been living your life free
as free as a flying bird...
like a bird, if put in cage even if i will take care of you
feed you and give you water but since i am possesing you all to me
you won't live longer, for you belong to the world
you are to be flying free.. you are to be for everyone to see at a distant

i then shall just continue loving you at a distance... regresa a mi... let me be... let me love even in my dreams.. even at a distant.

and so my questions we're being answered.
that in my dreams i have loved you fully.....

---- still i have this uncontained emotions. though i know that dreams wasn't enough
but still im grateful for such, fulfilling my dream over a dream.
and i know that not all dreams come true. but it gives meaning in what we call life.
now i don't have those nightmares... becuz i know i will dream of you. and that in my dream i will love you.

Harold

i confessed that i am so obsessed with HF... told him and he said " ngee"...
i have these obsession with harold... " to die for!" ek?....
i miss singing with him.... i miss all ... few of the happy moments i have with him is when i saw his fingers... in piano play mode... and when he starts to sing... and when he snore.... and when he sleep like an angel... and when he walks......hmmm how long he takes his bath, ... click of a lighter and the light that lights his cigarette, the lips that touches the cup when we are having coffee, the hands that slips inside his pocket to get a coin... i envy his pants that touches his legs, i envy his shirts that touches his body... that's all i don't wanna go deeper... too obscene... (sht. i'll be punished by harold!). love to see his hairy arms.. those hairy arms.... and when he tries to fix his eyeglasses.... sexy! indeed he is super sexy funa. his smile that could melt the chocolate ... but watch out if he is so not into the idea of smiling over the issue or the thing that is being talked you can never tell... but i can.. yes i know i can... i am so into him.. so much..of these wicked thoughts for you my dearest friend.. hay.. is all i can say.. oh my God... you are so awesome in giving me this person.. where i can marilou on.... heheh love you much harold!

it hit me.

9.15am bank transaction - was in a hurry for the cut off of checks for deposits,
listening to ipod - muci ?... il divo's i believe in you"... it so damn shiet good to start a day with a nice feel good music... inspired.. so the lyrics goes like this

Lonely The path you have chosen A restless road No turning back One day you Will find your light again Don't you know Don't let go Be strong

Follow you heart Let you love lead through the darkness Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe In you

Follow your dreams Be yourself, an angel of kindness There's nothing that you can not do I believe, I believe, I believe In you.

and how could you not smile and think of all the possibilities that lies ahead?
as i was waiting for my number to be called -- i texted lenj to ponder on " feelings do not think!" and so he replied " my heart has mind of its own.. by xtian bautista... cute..
and then yes bank did took lots of my time.. so i end up lunch at gaisano city, at greenwich so i got me self a tuna and tomatoe and sarsi cola.. hmmm light.. yep.. and then still goes on with eleven minutes reading... so i thought of wow! paolo coelho writes so vivid.. i can even picture things out .. what is going on and at the same time feeling intense over the issue... ahhh when paolo coelho writes and i read... then i dream... correct!.. and then i thought of buying another book perhaps will hoar down PC's novels..

12.30nn - at store. check account updtes etc.etc.etc. then blog. i blogged every nice and funny and nonsense thoughts i have.

i feel that i am complete --- centrum complete. haahh centrum should pay me for this... becuz its part of my daily life.. i want to be complete so i take centrum complete... but the bestpart of the day is having coke, sarsi or sprite... coca cola philippines....pay me pay me! heheh .... as if im not eating 3x a day... and not smoking 5 sticks a day.. am i?.... wohooo.... il divo rocks.... and i love thier biatch manager... simon cowell you are doing great! having those men dress like armani models... and then having that great voice?... hey.. you should hear harold sing and you'll be in awe how this person sings... with all his heart and mind.. through through.... hail.. harold.....

there was never a time i stopped loving

i could be just an ordinary lady
but then i know it won't stop me from being one
so i took the chance of changing your life in an instant
i took the chances of giving sweet kisses on mid air

i never knew it will haunt me
days night mid days mid afternoons...
i just can't stop it
indeed it is life changing,
especially when it starts at 3am
to all those first coffee cup in the mornings
i thought all the while its your life i'm changing
i never thought it could change me life too
as i was never demanding

but then i thank you for i know you made such an impact
to my being
to what i believed
and will be believing
life i thought i knew
it became better when i met you
though i knew i don't matter much to you
so leave you with with all of these thoughts
that i knew could give you much of peace
and shall we be at ease

i never thought i could love again
.... for i knew ..
there was never a time i stopped loving..
i continue, i shall continue
will be going through and through...
just loving you

for my other

almost forgot - - THORNBIRDS

i bought me self a treat..... THORN BIRDS... series... oh my a sin i so love this series... now i have it as my collection.. lenj yes you can borrow this,
im not into priest or something, it just so happen that my world somewhat evolves them...aheee... and if ever single blessedness strikes me with flash of thunder and a scrrettche of lightning.. then be it.... life with them is bongga!


thus the saying in my right side of the pane of my blogsite is thornbirds.... its a must see ... heheeh.. forbidden love, lies and deceit... ahhhh love is complex... unfathomable. i still want it.... i want love......

08-29-2007 4.54pm

yeah a while ago i went to pay my pldt bill.. and then i huried to get me self a sit while wating for my number ot be called. thoughts.

was about to open my book to read to pass the time ... then i remembered .. the last time i paid my bill here is.. i saw someone here whom i know very well but too shy too say hi and smile. wohoooo crossing my fingers... i don't want to disturb his personal space as i was shocked too...

and then number 5 please.... billing.... there goes my number and then i stand there for a while to line up at the cashier... then i thought of imagining someone coming in .... and smiled... all the while i was just thinking of hayyyy....

and then im back to my chair... facing my pc blogging not letting anyone or anybody to tickle my brain to think of something else... becuz i want to blog... okey?... you understand that?... i cannot contain all what i feel now .. so i have to blog... and then clink clank! japanese client enters over her problem over hier laptop crashed!.... and hard to communicate with her.,.. but she's good she's quite very good, and very pleasant to talk to... but very bubbly, more bubblier than i am, perhaps she's trying to communicate and trying not to blow up our patience... but she's good, see she cried over her hard disk carshed... reasons.... brown out number one and then its 3 years old already... wahhh emotional japanese lady... and while iw as tryinig to explain to her what happen and everything adn then i got tired so i got exhausted i let my head tech to take over and then hooooo... she bid goodbye.... and told me " slamat geek!" ahahah actually its guid but she's cute... okey i can smile with that and then bang! back to normal phase of thinking... my PLDT expereince... mind you doc marie came with a sponsorship for med stud council and order of asclepius?... what the... okey endorsement again... hmmmmm
okey will deal with that sponsorship later.... for now i have to get back to my work... and i shall scoot out of this shop... heheeh.... enough is enough i don't have my ipod with me.... i left it somewhere... it might be under the bed or under the pillow or at the bathroom or sofa or hmmmm eaten by george?... no no no.... its just under my make up kit at the dresser... called by my maid of honor! okey ... i need a good conversation as im running out of one.... see you around the ground bloodhound!

TPL

totaly party list fever!
love you harold -- such a beautiful brain... for making the partylist's video..
i didn't know you are so going to put that in a nice video mode... i envy you since you got the chance of doing it, in times like now you ahve to scram over the faces of poor... mukha ng mga dukha?... was it ?? oh my what was it?... shiet! i forgot.. but it sounds like that.. soon it will be in you tube... but damnit! im not expecting this video to go on you tube ha.... ahh mishu.... ayan... becuz i get crazy over these guys... and the other... ahhh.. and now i keep on thinking about me self the what ifs.... see you around the bloodhound!

wednesday08-29-2007

how much you loved, how much you lived, how much you lived to find love...i duno whichever, but they all rhyme...haha...sometimes you av to find time, be selfish for yourself in order to discover yourself again...

MVG

defining selfish -

Caring supremely or unduly for one's self; regarding one's own comfort, advantage, etc., in disregard, or at the expense, of those of others. by- self knowledge

---- that is so rude... being selfish?... ahay ... i cannot do that MVG... there could be time that am soo wanting to do it but no i can't becuz i am a person in love. and that i know sometimes im kinda being abused. but it's okey ( although its not sometimes!) i don't answer to them i answer to God... so there...
movies- i woke up as early as 6am this morning...slept last night around 11pm, in total silence over nothing... cellphone is not ringing after text with lenj, and fr. bobit and fr. harold is not ansnwering perhaps asleep laready,.. before the text marathon with them i was watching " in her shoes" yeah call me somewhat late over the idea of watching these, but i want to watch it again.. and get to a point of feeling good and missing my sister in massachusette( if this is correct.. oh no i noticed i could be dyslexic) ahhh.. scrambbling over word typewritten. -- and then after that went me self to bed read a few lines from the eleven minutes and then buzzzzzz.... woke up 6am, yes and took some yummy bread i bought at red ribbon in front of SPH.. yeyy!!! it costs much but the satisfaction of great mamon is the best... and then checked on my brother who is leaving for bacolod for two nights.. huhuh will be alone again with my neice.. and question why do we have to be left and why is it that others leave?.. emotinal being me... so then i took some coffee... boing! i end up infront of the t.v. watched the exorcsim of emily rose, and then yeah i now understood the whole story and why.. and the effects that made me when i watched it few months ago with bobit and harold together with rens, so that made my morning wake ups of 3 am and 4 am and 11.14pm quite scary... and it all ends up in my subconscious mind. so i watched it again. there wasn't scared anymore ey!... ahhhh.. but it does deepen my faith... its more of like i am submitting to what He really wants for me.. so i let things be as be... eventhough it gets to my nerves.... call it selfish MVG.. there it is....
and coming up with the idea of ... i don't own other people's emotion so i must let them be what they want to be if they won't be with me.... yeheyyy!!! that freakin' rhyme....
and so again i am quite pleased about blogging to fame as i didn't know more of people are blog readers... i thought all the while it's just me... seee .... i read and then i don't comment only to people who are not that unussual.. heheh jokes on you mr nice guy! so thank you for the fame! if ever im gonna win?... rest assured you will be shouted on the airwaves!!! wohooo....... end!
questions that runs in my brain.
1. Do i need to shop?
2. why can't we be friends?
3. can we just stop and talk a while?
4. will i ever get to heaven with you?
5. how long?
6. why am i so into him/her/it?
7. why do i have to be in this disposition?
8. do i miss seeing you around?
9. what is on the movie houses?
10. when can i be with you again?..

---these are just few of the questions that i just can't get some answers smack!
its all either true or false or yes or no... or whattt?.... figure it out baby!....
hope to see you around answers!.. gotta scoot...

how it came into ...

after a while i learn the subtle diff between.... ahhhh for-get-it!

was i heard or not?... i think i was not.. as i dunno if im going to budge the idea of " im too busy to think of your schedule"
and then bang! i knew that it doesn't matter to you... since if it does matter to your i should have not had this hard time explaining to you as to why and etc etc... and then when the time i am explaining things to you of how ti came into that point and into being you just toldme to shut up?... - wtf... no one can tell me to shut the fuck up! ( oops sorry!)and then i entered the world of another uncontained emotion.... the feeling of wanting to get off the place... booze a lot.... smoke a lot..... and bang! ... Deear God, forgive me if i have been sooo not so understanding lately of the situation that i have strayed away from your light that i have been too blind to see how your goodness overflows... and so i have the thought of being a bitch and again closing down the four corners of my brain and focused on selfishness........ sorry..

but then i again i have to do this thing inorder for me to release the tension that shakes my hands and keeps me insane or sane?... or both? or in between.

wedding blues...???...i call it not... its a matter of attitude.... if one hates confrontation.. and i say it is not... arguments... yes... its arguments that he shove off his shoulders.. that he is afraid to admit that such is existing.
so telling me to shut up will help?.. no it won't... not all things are better left unsaid. not this one. as this matters to the relationship. and it seems im drifting away from the idea of ... shall i bear this for the rest?... and now it seems like i have this button infront of me to go for deal or not deal? ... but things are not the way it has to be dealt with... yes or no... and sometimes things do need some explainantion.. inorder for the other to udnerstand ... and then the feeling of full importance and existence and then loving and understanding the other... loving comes first.. since it is the first thing that both of you have discovered.,
and it will be the last basis of your last decision... for me it does.. i dunno with the others...
my brain is connected to my heart and my heart is connected to my brain... one cannot function without the other... when the heart stops beating for oxygen.. brain damage we get, if brain stops functioning heart attack we get or no... i think when heart stops beating... death becomes us... the reason why at first we embrace the iea of loving and tehn we end it with love... i dunno with others but this worked for me...
-- i admit i am such a big not fan of med though i admire med persons for their persistence and hard work.. so if this si quite disturbing to med people.

--- at the end all i want to ask myself before i die is... how much i love .. how fully i live to love and how much i have touched by my love.... its now a question of loving... living .... learning .. and then still loving...

to jpc and lga... add me up ym...
see you in cyberspace!