how it came into ...

after a while i learn the subtle diff between.... ahhhh for-get-it!

was i heard or not?... i think i was not.. as i dunno if im going to budge the idea of " im too busy to think of your schedule"
and then bang! i knew that it doesn't matter to you... since if it does matter to your i should have not had this hard time explaining to you as to why and etc etc... and then when the time i am explaining things to you of how ti came into that point and into being you just toldme to shut up?... - wtf... no one can tell me to shut the fuck up! ( oops sorry!)and then i entered the world of another uncontained emotion.... the feeling of wanting to get off the place... booze a lot.... smoke a lot..... and bang! ... Deear God, forgive me if i have been sooo not so understanding lately of the situation that i have strayed away from your light that i have been too blind to see how your goodness overflows... and so i have the thought of being a bitch and again closing down the four corners of my brain and focused on selfishness........ sorry..

but then i again i have to do this thing inorder for me to release the tension that shakes my hands and keeps me insane or sane?... or both? or in between.

wedding blues...???...i call it not... its a matter of attitude.... if one hates confrontation.. and i say it is not... arguments... yes... its arguments that he shove off his shoulders.. that he is afraid to admit that such is existing.
so telling me to shut up will help?.. no it won't... not all things are better left unsaid. not this one. as this matters to the relationship. and it seems im drifting away from the idea of ... shall i bear this for the rest?... and now it seems like i have this button infront of me to go for deal or not deal? ... but things are not the way it has to be dealt with... yes or no... and sometimes things do need some explainantion.. inorder for the other to udnerstand ... and then the feeling of full importance and existence and then loving and understanding the other... loving comes first.. since it is the first thing that both of you have discovered.,
and it will be the last basis of your last decision... for me it does.. i dunno with the others...
my brain is connected to my heart and my heart is connected to my brain... one cannot function without the other... when the heart stops beating for oxygen.. brain damage we get, if brain stops functioning heart attack we get or no... i think when heart stops beating... death becomes us... the reason why at first we embrace the iea of loving and tehn we end it with love... i dunno with others but this worked for me...
-- i admit i am such a big not fan of med though i admire med persons for their persistence and hard work.. so if this si quite disturbing to med people.

--- at the end all i want to ask myself before i die is... how much i love .. how fully i live to love and how much i have touched by my love.... its now a question of loving... living .... learning .. and then still loving...

to jpc and lga... add me up ym...
see you in cyberspace!