heart stricken

okey im supposed to write soemthing about how i feel, so this is how it is... but should not be in a prose format...

the night is so hot... i asked bf if we could have ice cream together, and then while in line for the cashier to order and pay up becuz we chose jolibee to have that ice cream night, i thought of how simple we have been taking our lives, taking some pains in and out and then just let it pass and spend an ice cream together. though nothing bad happen to us lately not much of argument or just nearly and argument but hey settled and signed done. so back to the ice cream night, you know the feeling of having the simplest of things in life for which you both can enjoy and feel it. so we had our ice cream and then we went inside the department store to check somethings out, so we both thought of we need a new toothbrush.. yeah i need new toothbrush to keep me teeth clean and then i thought of a need a powder(loose powder) so i thought of buying me self the usual one i bought since i was a kid, i though of buying me self the powder that reminds me of how i am loved by my late tatay( so there i go again!) but hey i love that memory ever!! ( as you can see i am not having a hard time in choosing what toothbrush to buy and etc toiletries since i always stick to what my usual stuff is.. boring yes but very rare of me to trust ... sometimes i do take the risks but usually i don't.. id rather stick to what i call i am hiyang ( or used to) due to some all the reason i can have in the world. but here's the catch over the ice cream and the department store chuvas me and my bf did is.. the realization of simple things we both once did now makes me more emotional; since it was one of the best time that i get to spend some quiet moments with him, no dis agreements and we both have our freedom and we both needed each other .. like after he had settled his bills since i get to roam and scour for what i need to we let each other do settle on our own and then he went looking after me... and then it felt cute.. since we have this desire for each other... ahhh simple things sometimes we forgot to appreciate... like having ice cream and not talking... just enjoying the not so quiet moments at jolibee and then freedom to buy anything i want at the department store and letting him look for me after... isn't that cute?...
and that i have to talk in a low mid voice... since i am trying to have that personal space with quiet thoughts and solace deep within... thinking that life is....

jun29th2007

so we had dinner and these is how i spend time with my brothers and my nephews and neices ... how funny and corny we could get but yes we do just like these...
have fun and have all the funns in the world....

i did it.

nagkadto guid ako sa imo
para lang nga matapos
kag ma klaruhan ako
baw grabe guid ang akun nabatyagan

sabado pa lang gina plano ko na
nga sa bwuas dominggo makadto ako
kag tubangon ko ang kung anu man dira

pero la ako maghuna huna ang may okasyun gle
pero kay tungod ara na ako sa lugar
kag sa sitwasyun nga ay ambot
daw sa indi ko na guid ya maintindihan

pagkita ko sa imo
ay abaw daw sa malipong ako
kag ang pamatyag ko nga kung nakita mo ako
baw nahibaluan ko nga daw maguba guid ang imo adlaw
naguba ko ang pamaypay ni nanay
sa sobra ko ka tensyunado

ay abaw " was even praying that i don't want to do it na lang"
pero ang mga upod ko naghambal nga tubagon ko na lang

kundi go ako to the what my goal that day

gani nagkadto ako
susmaryosep
ang pamatyag sang daw malupot, daw gina tubol,
nga nagapalangluya ang mga tuhod
amu sina ang nabatyagan ko ]
pero gin segi ko guid
kay kabalo ako nga
para guid sa akun kaayuhan ang tanan
kag para ma save whatever we have

kag ako naghilibiun sg pwerte ka damo nga luha
the last time i cried so hard like this is when my tatay died.
i never thought that it would happen again

kag sa atun nga pag istoryahanay
ang tanan naklaruhan guid sa akun
salamat guid sa imo nga pagpalangga
and that time i felt it soo through and through

and i imissed that
i really missed you
i never felt so like that before
and then
after all those pouring of hurts and everything angst
the light of the goodness triumph over
the unknown force that made me look like a funny being in the face of teh earth

and now i feel more freer, more grown up and partly fulfilled
with life's lessons and learnings i know i am love and will be loved through and through

and so i say to you.... thank you for making something out of me

realization:
that in everything
courage is really what we need inorder for us to step and go forth
with the aid of prayers, hope and faith we have to the almighty.. who never ever have abandone us... He does not give problems that we cannot carry....
he gives hope and dreams a reason for us to cherish it more beautifully with him...

God you are so wonderful... awesome ....
thank you for writing my love story.. my life!

drilled

heart thumping
head thumping
mass of pain
feeling the drain
like it drills a hole
in my head

im having it for like two days already
and it won't go away
what am gonna do
eyes are affected
my whole body slouch to couch
with the feeling of not being drained by work
or a talk to someones life's bitchyness
but becuz i have a fuckin' headache
and the thought of writing inmy blog would take it away
well tell you it did not..
it grew more more more
and then i got this emergency call from my brothers...
that i have to be a rescue for now since our nephew
was admitted to the hospital
dengue..
so i went
for a while headache went somewhere that i do not know
and then the following morning went home took the power nap
when i woke up
bang! it again drills in the middle of my brain
right in between the crivasses of my brain
it's like a hell of a toruture..
thought for a while some sugar would help
but it didn't
and then i was again thinking soo deep of what the solution will be
??????
ha! a trip will fuck this off ey?...
so i was thinking of taking a van to roxas... well its the place to be
but then when i took a peep on my schedule
whoa!!! i just can't make it
maybe on wednesday next week..,..
i can't make it on friday since saturday i will have my tita and tita's everywhere coming in
so there it goes...
i feel like being assholed! ,maybe i have been thinking much of the
situation im in with my papa.... oh i so missed his being.
not the pap i knew who gave somwhat like a curse to me few weeks ago...
heheeheh

and then the idea of THE HOTEL OF harold
maybe that too adds up to this drilling headache i have
and then his dropping of message that leaves me to think of what the f&*^&
so i miss bitching and pissing him off! and he does to me now... or is he?
i miss them.
a puff and a clink and lots a laughs and chissmisses heehehhe all we have to share to ourselves
and my thought of confession ....
maybe that too reasons out why im having this bad head ache!

and it tires my neck! down to my lower back.... ahhh tired!

of being human

last night before i rest my head, i texted my dear friend if its possible to confess..
but to no avail the REPLY menu maybe on his cellphone does not exist that night... or simply "load is not available" or "check operator" message blinks everytime he would try to text me back... whatever... what the heck!
yeah i asked for a confession over a text messages...yes i won't say it here.. as i leave it to that sense in time when i have the time to go there and visit them and have fun with them perhaps before the having fun thing i could tell him, then it won't be confession but its what i call " stripping myself in front of him..." sexy ha?.... oh well i know he should understand coz if he won't.. i'll be doomed! hahaahh so i told the person involved that he should not know but i know that in time he will know man gyapun kay its better that way nga eh... you know i still believe that trying to be honest to some facts about what is going on with me or what i feel or how i feel or what my disposition is well helps a lot in a way of better understanding of the other to the other's attitude during or after or maybe the time.,..... though i must admit that stripping myself to all the fears and all the presumptions sometimes leads me to some hmmmm cracks... and sometimes its better to think about soooo many many times first ... so i know that i have to confess kay daw gina hay ambot ah...." im being bitchy na iya..." the reason i chose harold to tell about this its becuz wala sya ma say.... ( i think!! he usually does nothing to say!) its like talkin' to nobody and helping you purged out whatever pungent situation you have... ehehehe wala siya pakialam... not that he doesn't care.. its his way of telling "you can bitch it on me baby"... ehheh i love him.. though the other is kinda... hmmmm quite balances everything... but this time i know he can't or maybe he won't be in anything mode when i tell him this... heeheh its better not to tell him muna.. eeeeeeeee...... i so want to jump!!! 5feet jump! ehheeheh i love him... its just soo nice to have diff people whom i know when i need them they are just there... diff people who share your diff vision but still respect and understand the way things are and helps you sort out the unfinished business you got in life while living... and still get to enjoy the realities and idosyncrasies out of just anything under whatever weather we all have in to.... and we get to share in the union of belongingness..... though yes i know that there just some time that we just don't want to see other people or purely we avoid others its becuz we are protecting our innerselves... then we have to respect that.. if that time comes that its my time to be avoided.. i have to accept that.. life is not always what i make it... sometimes we have to compromise.... sometimes we have to step back and look at how the world turns and maybe we could join and just let it turn for a new day brings on new hope... new days brings more joys and laughters and maturity comes when you got friends like these..... what else you want in life?... i so cannot eliminate them in my life... missing them... soo wanting to be with them ... under the pouring rain!!!! like children dancing in the rain with no clothes on.....i miss them terribly!

not so ordinary blog...

yep this as not like my other blog entries. so diff..
as i woke up early this morning and cram over things have to be done and sets my but to fire up my day!
my friend texted me... oakee! about this father person...
sermon over one act of a ministry that did not gave him an apology--- well the ministry do not know da how to apologize or say sorry or whatever.. blah blah blah blah.....
there goes my morning of thinkin' like i have to be neutral....

okey so bestie ask me what should they do ( heheh as i usually know how to deal with such being professional ang dating and bitchy!)
so i sad talk to the father assigned to the ministry and shout everything out in front of him, and maybe by then you can see if you are really in a kinda duh situation like if you deserve that or what...
okey so they did talked to the father assigned....
hmmm and they are planning to settle it on thier own like ambushing the other father to talk things out...
that would be kinda whoa! and wooooos! to the other priest right?... ugh!

okey so you see on the side of the ministry -- father should have not do the sermon thing about that kahit na wrong pa yung minsitry... where is the patience and forgiveness there?... comeon and you? are you fitting to be called father?.... wtf! comeon... so yeah i know you so what i just know you. you are soo impersonal anyway when i come to you for a bless... and kinda like what the ?/?? bitch?!!! kinda bitchier than i am...
eto lang masasabi ko ano ha...

to do that.... my world kinda being surrounded by your kind of fathers too... but hey hey hey not like your attitude.. never heard of being set as an example the minstry where you do service what if your sermon will be an example to others sermons or gatherings?... what will you feel?.... or do you have a freakin' feeling? ... okey so like father like your age acts like that .... father are you on menstruation?... are you struggling over the experience of mid-life?... comeon... your poise should be ( though im not expecting as you are human too--but as human you are expected to act like one fucking human being who treats your fellow fuckin' human being the same you want to be treated!) okey there i said it... oh by the way heard your sermons on one occasion over attending the ministry's service during sunday.... and you ... i dunno not overshadowed by grace! as i do not comprehend your sermons.... i may be devilish at that time..... much more now... i might be such an asshole that time.... but it did not connect thru me..... " father.... marami akong kilalang father din po, and i so hate to compare but sometimes i need.

lastly i told bestie.... fuck about him anyway! he is not harold... he is not robert.... he si not richard.... he is not joel... he is not powp, he is not included in our circle... and he is being exed!( ekisan blah ah! kabudlay mag english!) so what the fuck give a damn fuckin creep over what he fuckin' say! ( there goes the fuckin' day of mine!)

if you are a priest.. act like one.. if you can't act like one pray!
as for us ordinary people... we shall pray too.... (after all i really need to pray .. after this hellish words i put here and like cursing the father... ) im sorry ... im just soo f)(** up with the idea of giving example... ministry pa... ahhh making it long... enough!!! zip zapping the mouth!!!!
exit!

that feelin'

when i see you running
knowin that you've been waiting
all along i know you've been wanting me so
and here i am in a amaze over how much love creates
a fusion of two hearts that could either break or make
the sencerity of one to the other that i felt much of a joy and in awe
of what has been on and off to the relationship
i so called the lover..
how you make me feel
compels my senses to the extreme
not knwoing not wanting
what lies ahead

after all of those sleepless nights
and long silence with tears to ponder
in times of " help me im fallin into you"
and knowing that " you were not there"
i know love made its course
its either make or break
thats' feeling

depends on how the wind blows
depends on it will sail...

that feeling of
love breaks
love makes

life... love and relationship.... takes!

ang pwede nga sabat sg akun tatay

sweetheart, darling baby....
sa matag adlaw nga tanan sg ara pa ako sa imo luyo
halin sg ikaw gamay pa,
ang bata nga ginalantaw nakun samtang ikaw nagatabok sa dalan
padulong sa eskwelahan, nagabalikid guid ikaw
kag maghuyop sa kahanginan sg imo mga matam-is nga halok
ang imo tawag sa kahanginan ko guid permi mabatian
"'tay malakat na ko.... 'tay upod ta pamahaw karun...."

huo, sa imo nga edad madamu na guid man ang natabo sa imo
sugod sg gab-i nga ako naga antos sa kasakit
sugod sg ginsara ko ang gate sang kita manugpadulong sa ospital
sang nagasinggit ang imo tagipusoon sa kasubo
sugod sg ginahulat mo ako nga magmuklat sa sagwa sg ICU
ilabi na guid sg gin bayaan ta ikaw
kabalo ako nga mdamu ikaw sg palamangkutanon
kag indi tanan masabat ko gilayun
pero kabalo ako nga ang imo pagtu-o kag ang imo kabakud
matigayun mo ina tanan nga malampasan

sg akun madumduman ang imo nga mga handum simple lang
malinong nga pangabuhi, nga may pag respeto
huo baby grabe guid ang imo nga pag pangpagrus sa respeto
kag asta subong nahibaluan ko ina

pasensya kung wala ako naka estorya sg madalum pa guid sa imo
pero nahibaluan ko nga malampasan mo guid ina sa bulig sg Ginoo
madamu pa ikaw mahimo sa kalibutan sa isigkatawo nimo

huo ara lang ako permi sa imo luyo,
kag sa imo kasubo ara ako nga nag pahid sg imo luha
sa tanan nga nagakahitabo sa imo ara guid ako
pareho sang una nga ako ang imo dalangpan
asta subong baby pwede mo guid ina obrahun

indi ko man tanan masabat ang imo pamangkutanon
sa dalayun imo ina mahibaluan kag kabay pa nga maklaruhan ka guid
sa tanan, sa atun nga hinun-anun sg una sg ikaw gamay pa
kablo ko nga ang imo panimout indi pa guid amu sina ka daku
ang sabat ara lang sa palibot

huo by ginhutik ko na sa IYA

tatay

madamu lang sg naga ka hitabo sa akun kabuhi
nga asta sa akun pagtulog ginahandum ko nga ikaw ari
sa akun luyo, nagapamati kag nagakaham-ot
sa tanan ko nga katontohan,
sa akun nga kabigaan sa akun pagpanglugayawun sa iban nga lugar
sa akun nga mga maayo nga n mga abyan, nga imo sila tani nakilal-an

kag sa akun pagyuhum nahibaluan ko nga ikaw ara guid permi
sa akun luyo, nag gabay sa akun sa matag-adlaw nga tanan

kag sa dili madugay ko nga pagpanumdum
nasubuan ako nga sa pisikal nga aspeto wala guid ikaw sa tuod tuod sa akun nga luyo
indi ta ka mahalukan, indi ko makita ang imo mga mata
indi ko mabatyagan ang imo nga pag kupo sa akun nga kasubo
kag ang akun nga mga luha nagatulo
kag ang akun nga kasing kasing naga singgit sg matalum sa kahidlaw sa imo
ang imo presensya ang akun ginapangita

diin na ang akun nga tatay nga permi lang nagpahanumdum sa akun
sa matag adlaw nga tanan imo gin pabatyag kung daw anu ka matalinghaga ang Ginoo
sa pag hatag nya sa akun sa imo
imo gin pabatyag kung anu mo ako ka palangga kag wala sing may makatupong sina

madamo ako sg pamangkutanun nga naga lagaw sa akun pinsar
apang sin-o na sini ang magasabat
kay ako imo nga gin bilin dire sa duta
sa matag adlaw nga tanan madamo ako sing nahibaluan
madamo ako sang nasugata kag madamo sa akun nga pamangkutanon ang naklaruhan

tay indi ako kblo kung anhun ko ining mga nagakahitabo sa akun subong
pero tay nahibaluan ko nga ara ka lang sa akun luyo kag naga ubay guid sa akun

'tay ihutik sa Ginoo nga gusto ko na guid mag upod sa imo.

das it for today..

you never said anything about
how much you miss me
how much you want to hold me
how much you want to kiss me

for i miss you so much
that i want to hold and kiss you so much

cozied up, humbly waiting for the time to pass by
that in time i'll drop by
saying hi hello and squeeze you tight
kissing you lightly like snowflake in flight
the smell of your hair,
the look of your eye
the smoothness of your face
that touches the lace
the lace i'm wearing

your hand that caressed, holds and uplifts me
i wanna take it all you are so dear to me.

my phone rang
its you

you never told me you missed me
you never told me you cared
you never dared to care!
you never dared to miss me....

yet im missing you
now im confused if this is true
why do you have to call
and tell me after all

i love you through through
whatever we have been through....