sorry i was late.

and i have decided.
just moving forward.
little by little.
no, im not trying to forget the past, in fact i am always thinking of the past.
and it gives me comfort that i am working my way out of those webs i made,
it took a while - well it will take more time rather. but im happy.

these past few days i have been seeing some ghosts. :P

closure?

after all these years?

and another closure?

after all these years, ?? there was never  US.. so what is there to reconnect? aha...
misunderstandings. ... oh well... there are just some things that seriously needs some points on it was better that way....

anyway saving my best for the rest of the days i would be living perhaps.

love is all there is.

xoxo

..... unknown

these thoughts came rushing when i came across the thread of tita.
its all about married life... the bickering and the facade of life is great when you are married, or the people around you tells you to get a man.. have kids.. etc etc etc.. all about married
i may say reality of life starts when you get yourself a real husband/wife, the one you said I DO, i think it very far diff from those partners they may call, its very diff, you treat each other very diff i think when you both are really married. there is a bond between wherein you two cannot know what is in it.. esp when you both are married in church, or i may think so. perhaps that is the grace, that the two doesn't know.. but its in that joining of one person to another person, not just joining for the sake of getting to know each other until the time you both realize that its all just casual chu-chus.. that you both end up like friends with benefits, then you set each other free and you go around searching again for the right one as if you will find the right one, married is more than that i think, from my own perspective, marriage is a vocation. for me as a wife.. its not finding the right one, its more of like making the one right and at the same time growing with them ( i say with them becuz i got kids already), and if i say part of me wasn't sure of getting hitched its becuz part of that is God's unknown grace... me and my husband may have some occasional fights, we sometimes settle things, but normally we don't perhaps that's why we learn.
everyday we both constantly learning from each other even though we've been like 8years of courtship and 2years and 11months married. i cried, he would give me silent dish, but then its part of what i have signed and promised when i married him and before God's ... i may be hypocrite to say i don't have flaws, i too have flaws i know that, i have my usual inadequacy i may say, its just that im too open with all the possibilities of people will understand me its becuz i accept the reality of me, the reality of life. i have friends, i have family, i have extended family, my circle is somewhat like a crazy maze.. but since everyone is open to possibilities and willing to embrace... life goes on.. after all those backlogs and back subjects in my life.. .. i know i learned.
the question is

WHY IS IT THAT MATURE LADIES WANT TO STAY SINGLE AND WOULD TAKE THE RISK OF BEING A SINGLE PARENT THAN BE MARRIED

what really is maturity??? when one can decide on her own? when one can say that i am strong enough to earn a living and can raise a child of my own? when one can say i can choose a man and have sex with that man and get lost raise my own child?

what about the maturity of a man who want to stay single and would take the risk of being a single parent?

few of men can do this, thats why we women are so freakin' a-hole to say we can raise the kids,
but i know one of those nights when you are so fed up of listening to the child esp when the kids asks so much question that makes you end up mouth wide open, looking after the yaya most of the time, thinking about the child on your own, without the care of another person who matters to the child


----------------------------
many times i thought of i would be better off without my man. b4 i got married i have thought of all i want is just a child of my own. but now we got two kids, me and my man would have this occasional "away" and that leads me back to my previous thoughts of better off without him, and deepened the thought of it ... why did i get married?
before entering married life, make sure you go for counselling that will help you look beyond what is MARRIED LIFE..what your husband will be will be (vice versa to women). basic is loving and etc etc etc... it does not end in church or at Hall of justice, or in bed.
still i forgot what i have gone through. such is life. we stumble and fall.
circumstansya man sa iban, i still believe that it takes two to tango.
:) counselling helps. if anybody needs one, will be of help. :)


well whatever that is working for both of you and will be working for the rest of your life its all up to the both of you.... 

life is hard... you have to live with it,,, suck it all down... for most part people will just give a look and say things both nice and rude... so just suck it all up. 

xoxo

the sewing machine....

well i dunno what to say so far for now... but this is a damn great heirloom. well its not actually mine but im proud to say i lived to have seen this and yes its from my great grandmother... so here it is... im looking for some parts and that is the bobbins...

 

cool.. sweet!

as of now im still looking for it and i tell you im now reading the history of the company that made this wonderful machine...

hurray for 2016

aha! at last i get to collect my thoughts and passwords again in retrieving my accounts in blogger.com
lots of things went on and on and with my roller coaster marriage, my kids and oh i now have three beautiful kids, 

i know right i should have been blogging away all my thoughts about them about my daily life with them and how it went and so on and so forth and now... but i did not... i end up bitter. no i'm not gonna type it here. ok. bitter not because of them. bitter of something else. 

just some spark of somethings on my day while waiting for my rice to be cooked! and wanted this to tell to my husband. 

Most of the time i hate appreciation. Because i end up doing things a lot of things alone. So better stop that appreciation thingy and do your actions. I don't need you to clap your hands in praise of me(did you ever? Nign!!!) In praise of others na lang. I want your hands to help me in everything i do. I don't want your eyes to just look at me in awe or in disgust or in anger. I want your eyes to to focus on what we are supposed to be doing. I don't need your tongue to speak about me. Oh well you don't talk to others gali and even to me we don't talk that much because we always end up looking like we are quarreling not even to a point where we understand each other's sentiments for we both have our own closed view of the conversation... we stopped talking with an open mind... i end up most of the time hurt emotionally for i feel less i just dont know if you have felt it. damn im so good in hiding it and thank you blog. yes i have flaws too i admit that but at some point did you ever thought about your flaws and correct it as much as possible? have you even said im sorry to me?most of the time i feel tired and im getting sick of the situation, im trying to comprehend things on my own even you and yes im sick of it that I wanted to puke it out on purpose, but these does not or do not affect my love. 

 Oh thank you for letting your heart beats for us.... but please dont let desperation or anxiety or beat it. 
Now hold my hand oh shit did you ever hold my hand? Ftw!

New discovery or just another line

While waiting for the app to be downloaded i was thinking when was the last time i updated my blog? And so have to check my last post. Waw is in wow! So have to polish my brain. 

The thing is this i have to shift my thoughts to my blog. So what is this for? It is my personal online journal of what i think of what my life is of what i beleived of whatever tht matters to me to my childrens what concerns me blah blah so this is mine. Opinions are welcome and pls mind my manners when i say some words that is too harsh to handle. Oh tht reminds me that i need to updte my photo. Oh well still im in love.  

as i said

as i said i really need to do this.
the arguments over american dream are running in my head.
toxic questions beeps on my phone.
and i knew it was saturday, i forgot to turn it into silent mode.
so i check fb, one of the normal thing to do, of perhaps 80% of the people?
buzzed by ARBEEIM, so experia will search for you.
ahhh the rush of everyday these past few weeks.

american dream. the price you have to pay for american dream? how much would that be?
the question is are you willing to pay?
not sourgraping or whatever one may call, but mind you i have been told to see america, i have been told not to see america , and i have been told whats the reality of america, and i have been reading what is going on with america, fifteen years ago and currently. so the question is --- are you willing to pay the price for an american dream? my answer is---  it depends on what kind of american dream you are dreaming, it depends on your status in life, perhaps it will also depend on what your status will be on the land of the free (note FREE!!), and it depends on how are you sucking in the thoughts of the american dream, becuz if its a dream, well im sure its to die for? well for me its not to die for. its like WHY I CLIMB MOUNTAINS? ---> BECAUSE ITS THERE. so its just there. but im sure, it will still be America twenty years from now, where there will be winter wonderland of snow, still there will be singing of star spangled banners, 24 stars on the flag of thems, and yes, still the internet and magazines will be flooded of all the star and people of whos who in america .... and still there will be TNT's, people you think can afford but truly cannot(its just that they are in america! ha!ha!), there will be still be a number of persons who come to america to wipe other people's ass... but cannot wipe off them babies and family's ass ( blunt sorry!), amboy and amgirls, who are born and raised in america, but since education is expensive in america they have to return to where the roots are and and well speaking of my schoolmates who are amboy and amgirls they sometimes comes a bit feeling superior but truely an idiot. its not just in america, i think...
i have my own american dream. so enough.

the toxicity of annoying beep of the phone during weekends.
or the toxicity of one or few person's messages. that i dare not reply.

the toxicity of weighing down what is supposed to be....
 you see every saturday, princess has her ballet class 9 to 10am, have to open the cafe at 9... so we were running so late, have to ask her lola to look after her and ask my brother in law if he could drive them both, and have to talk to princess trying to let her know that Nanay cannot be with her today at the ballet, but lola will be there, my beautiful princess just answers OKAY... but sad to say i am not.
  why?
           its just a matter of one hour, and that she is far more important than the cafe ... right???
      but i let it pass, i let her lola and my brother in law do one of the most important thing to do -- that i should have done. --- outcome? princess did not do well today in her ballet practice, according to my brother in law. i feel sad and guilt is deep. lesson learned. next saturday, nanay will be with you princess dear. i♥u.
and have to catch up with duke. i♥u duke. :D you both makes my day and you two are what i look forward too .... i♥u both!..
           
so to break my mind from thinking and feeling bad . as in bad ass mother i am. clicked and went to my so called review officer site. CNET, so the reviews - - - that ARBEEIM is waiting.
as a super agwantista kind of person. i myself buy my gadgets in like many million deep thoughts and reviews and lots of why's, what about, cost and etc etc etc .... it all boils down sometimes not getting one as my last line would be INDI MAN KO MAANU KUNG WALA.
so xperia i read..... and touched at the mall (bleeeh! sa atrium lang galing... wahahah!)
 so my review based on what i read too and some personal conviction in buying. (chos!)
   1. user friendly design ( which i thought only nokia can offer)
   2. brilliant display, (almost falling love!)
   3. fast over all perfromance... taking pics with face recognition ha @ 8.1mp and can take HD video and viewing it @ 4" display...top that...(now im thinking -- my phone's retiring!!! gotta have this xperia!!!!)
   4. call and data transmission --- 1 to 5 rating is 3.5 ♥
   5. sleek design as it contours my palm.

BUT!!!
   1. the sleek design that contours my hand is of no! no! when it lands on the table it wobbles. yay! minimal.
   2. according to those comp geeks, interface is soo late. its like windows 2003 when its already windows 2007.  its user interface ( they call it!) is android 1.6 ( according to wiki,  it is based on Linux kernel  and was released on 9.15.2009 ---- so gung-an na ini kung ang technology ang paga istoryahan! kag ang xperia x10 gadalagan sa android 1.6.
   3. TE may 3.1 na subong....
(but if you are not so techie with gadgets and your use is for simply sleek of design, the handy of having a android phone and not having to bring alppy with you to view your emails and fbs and tweets, and you can have your messaging and call at the perfromance of hmmm PEAK? well these BUT will be just fine)
 but if these BUT is not fine... well i tell you... 3years from now what is still important is communication. and what is on the top is FREE TEXT MESSAGING, and UN-INTERRUPTED CALLS.....
the end money is not an issue, unit is not an issue also. but the thing that matters is... ANU GUID BALA ANG IMO GUSTO MATABO>>>> oh di bla???
  gsakit ulo ko ah....

te you decide. :) goodluck and God bless...
ang pinaka importante amu pa guid ni ay ---->as long as you can communicate with me and to the people - - the kind of phone that you use does not matter - :D
    "the socialness and ka-sosyalan of the society, sometimes eats our very deep sense of existence"

missing years.

dreamt of you
you were so close
touch your face
looking at me
holds my hand so tight
whispering to me
"i missed you!'
tears in my eyes swell
know its been long
missing you too
wished i had that chance
did you wished that chance too?
i can only guess.....

02.14.2011

aight! its the 14th of feb. 2011
im quite giggly for the reason of nothing. nyahah!
but i honest its nothing. im just maybe loving the idea of seeing those sweethearts, couples, lover dudes, even those exes who meet and you know for all times sake gets together and as if or so pretend just to pretend that they are fine but technically they are not. happy valentines day! yipppeeee! a bloddy mary for you if i could just have one bottle or even a shot of mojitos for tonight... but hmmm i think im not gonna have one... buwhahaha!!!!

but again still happy valentines.
i have thought of way past five years ago or four years ago... i started my so called travel ... thus the travel for the purpose of finding my self.
and so i did.
i spent my whole week (was it?) at the seminary.
new to the place then but i was so happy to move around.
wait for friends. at the end of the day eat live and tried to be merry... i was at the peak of crazyness ever!
but i was happy that those people i end up with are truly a God's special creation for me.. to help me and perhaps others too... they are of diff attitudes and manners. but they are super to me.. they helped me touch my ground and hugs myself like myself.... that everything is gonna be okey. that in everything that i do i put love unto it and with whole hearts i have to open to all the possibilities... from iloilo to their place i have them closed in my heart... few but yes dependable super! malayo man or malapit i know we are always there for each other.
and so here's to you people who made me whole...
my life today won't be this great if not for you people. i love you and im missing you!.....

peace -- - fullness

anhun mo ang kalinong sg palibot mo kung ang paminsarun mo indi malinong. anhun mo ang kalinong sg palibot mo kung ang tawo mismo wala sg kalinungan? . . .

how can you set an example when you are in an environment that cannot give a good example???

have you heard of a daughter cursing her own mother?

thanking her mother because her mother carried her for the 9 months ???

and now.. what cursing her mother to the extent that it would look as if she is not borne by her mother?

its just like digging your own grave.... bad curse anyone not your mother. you are your mother's daughter. but then i cannot blame you either if you do since your mother does that too im presume. a mango tree cannot bear a chico. toink! what an example. but its true... you are a fruit of a Averrhoa bilimbi tree.. maaslom! wahahah kabalo ka sina?? ako bag-o lng IBA na nee.. super maaslom kag may aplod... amu ka sina.. ma aplod!

i may have my own episode with my mother but i never cursed my mother .. in fact i seek the attention of my brothers and plea to them, of course i am but a child whom forever i know i am going to need my mother ....

i pray that my son and my daughter, when they grow up they will be of good breeding. :) that they will always seek what is right and that respect will always be a protocol.....

solitude.

1st day... just me and kids...

2nd day just me and kids

3rd day just me and kids

4th day ust me and kids

there were times in my days of my solitudeness to myself... trying to internalize more deeply of what reality is for me now.. as it sinks, as it slowly unfolds...

and all over again i kept on asking me self..

is this really what i want to happen?

is this what we have agreed before?...

is this where everything start?..

is this the mystery that is being wanted by so many?

the feeling is overwhelming since i get to stand into that situation, its like its all around me and all i could do is accept it but part of me says no... part of me i have to embrace it...

and all my answer was just like a mere smoke that floats... i don't want to accept that changes those realities those face that changes and what i have been believing what is that.. what is to be .... what is becoming of me...

yes it made me more of a better person, its not a question of my faith, for i know that he is always there and i know that he gives me more of my freedom to choose and his love for me is endless, undying, amazingly felt and greatly appreciated. i have seen more the bitter side of life, seen and felt what it feels like.

been in between hiccups and sobs, been in both worlds, been felt life and death, gave birth, felt the pain that no one could ever explain. felt the happiness no one ever experienced, for my pain, my sufferings, my happiness is not the same as the others.. and so i know you don't understand a thing... and so you end up letting it go.. letting it float

letting it it just fade away. but there are times that i would want to give up, but no, i now live not for myself anymore but for them-- my daughter and my son... they are what i am living for, whatever i am doing is for them, whatever i am fighting for is for them. if i may have been stupid... might as well be stupid for them my kids, not for others.

and so i guess its really really reality...

its not perfect, i may say it is .... but really its not perfect. who ever managed to say it is.. well i think its time to wake up and face the reality, since my children aren't in the world of make believe... they grow and what they see what they hear.. si what they will be absorbing... and thats what they are going to believe... thus enters my fears....

but no matter what.. i will be there for them.

ouch headache.....

no one lives alone. somebody needs someone. someone needs one. one needs God... God loves everyone.

just buzzing in!

at some point in one's life, one got to.. i mean just got to think a lot of the situation.. situational analysis? whatever.

and so i did. 1.30am, while suppose to finish the remaining ten invites that is due monday, but will beg for it to be delivered on the night of monday ... and that is deadline already. ha!the dealine was already dead i think it was suppose to be done .. nahhh... brush it off... it adds to the insanity of me.

back to the the analysis.

oh mean.. what was that again?

hmppf! poof.. i think i need to write me mom and me sister a letter, that would be great, will have to do that in betweens, yup and its going to be situations. i know me mom will be a better solution for such situations. but im pretty sure well everythings gonna be different, just taking some point of views, some nicely points.. and well perhaps that would ease a little bit of my situation. or maybe the situation i shove my ass into and the kids. but anyway the rest is okey, it just that at some point the more i have thought about it and have drawn a big line in between what's better and not, drawing the line comparing the reality of it all and yeah the difference. thats it. but as of the moment i can't seem to do anything about it, yes i can do something about it but it entails a lot of everything.. part of me would be my world. my everything. my all. and so i bet on my being. sister knows that my being is at stake. the situation is when one is in a wild environment... hmmm lots of things, for quite some time i have been thinking... my kids being are the one at stake. i can compromise but not my children ... because they are growing up. and i know they need me, they need their father, ... sometimes i do.. yes i do what other bitches do.. (please im referring to not the real bitch but to the idea of bitching around! - - walang paki-alam!) well thanks to you hubby ... you did great in making me your minion. oomph! its like im in the world of full people but i care not to see you all.... the hotel california. yay!... and its all comin' back t me, realizing the psyche... was i a psychologist in my past?.. i bet not. i am the daughter of my father and my mother.. who build and nurture my capability to endure, to really savor the moment, that everything is goin' to be fine, that this is just the icing on the cake of what real life is... what really is that real life? what really is the outer world?.. what is that really their saying of WHEN YOUR OUT IN THE WORLD? well i think its being IN ... all the feelings all the actions all the activities all that surrounds you and waiting patienly, for you to discover and do something great about it... my out in the world maybe my family.. my so called kids.. because im still in awe of .. (looking at my princess and duke...) how in the world did i popped you one by one in this crazy world? and then all are ironed, out my freckles are gone and my soon to be wrinkled poofed out burned out face are gone!.. because i so remembered the first time i saw them ..... out of me. that is my picture of peace and for being grateful for whatever that God has given me and will be given me ( yeah!) whatever would that be.. with open arms.. . that after that i cannot just lie there and let those vials of medicine drowse me off to sleep... noooo.. now i know why... i want them i need them they need me too... this is it... the reality of mother hood is sinking in, the so called married life is upon me already.. i have been acting about it but this is it. this the reality that soon would seep down my veins... I AM A MOTHER AND A WIFE.... i bet i still don't feel like nagging... ha! change the concept of wife / mother as the one who nags...please.. i am trying my best not to ... but how will i know?... i look for my center. i look inside ... thank You for always guiding me,... thank You for always embracing me. thank you for taking care of me.. thank You for all the best that came my way and for the not best who made me strong.... ZzzzzZZZzzzz...

ATTITUDE 101

attention, this is in okray mode and i am furious. sorry but i know this will perhaps hurt. and im pretty sure im into war.

1. please bear in your mind that indi tanan imo ti-un, indi tanan nga gusto mo matabo matabo, kag indi ang tanan pwede kag available all the time.

2. please lang have a decency to ask permission. much better to be of a bother rather than to be an annoying sneaky one -- well that sounds a bit nice no? sneaky?... well ari hu masakit - daw sa makawat ka nga ga sneak ikaw....

3. please watch your manners, if you don't know what that is then i think you're going to ahve problem all your life.

4. please have manners when you eat .. stop making that slurpy sound... its so yucky.

5. please eat only what you can afford and can eat.... oops or is that really your kind of style...

6. stop whining over how have you been, or what was you childhood like. nobody cares anyway.

7. stop giving us all the stress that your work gives you, if you don't like the job then quit. if you cannot handle pressure then quit. since you cannot handle anything under any pressure, as you are only working in a company and you do not own the company and you are in no position of telling them that its your style... well again please quit.

8. please teach the people around you especially the one close to you or is it close? to please have some manners too, or maybe you haven't seen that since you think that too for yourself that is OKAY.. well i tell you fag! its not okay.... ha!

9. im no perfect but im trying to be and i accept any faults i have.

10. i cannot say i don't like person, its just becuz they don't give me a smile back, or just becuz she/he is not my type, or just for the sake of liking or feeling... becuz if i ccould be having thaat kind of criteria i bet you are the number one on my list. i don't like you because sarampagak ka. period.

11. stop acting as if you saved the world.

12. do not expect that all the people will like you instantly.

13. please stop including yourself ALWAYS in the conversation you are not invited into.

14. you cannot make always an example of yourself.

15. anu ka bah insecure bitch? or kulang sa pansin?

some of these 101's are a reminder to me too, sometimes i do some things too, im no perfect it just happen that i get pretty pretty annoyed with your doings.

what the hell in the world would i describe you? sungak-sungak? dalok-dalok? dahak-dahak? nagutman? langka-langka? baboy-baboy? takal-takal? have you noticed?... its all repeated?.. well it suppose to be repeated. abnormal b!

please even the less fortunate ones even the boy in the slum area and the little girl in a pile of garbage would have decency to ask for food, they annoy mo but hey i think they are much better since they have asked, ahh they have much more manners than you. i don;t care what f-word your going to say after these, but hey I THINK I HAVE TOO MUCH... hahah

aha? are you talking back at me?.. well here's my answer if i could i would. he knows the real score anyway. so whats is your score? dumbo assed?...

snap! snap! snap! please .... snap! snap! snap! please....

no wonder.... snap! snap! snap!

realization 101

1. do not cook sunny side up eggs when you are thinking of why you not cookin' eggs the way she is. it makes your eggs perfectly nut sunny....

2. shouting off the okryas for that day over FB is cool becuz i can throw it all out in the net without hurting someone... haighti!!!

3. herbie hancock's music is cool.

4. missed my friends more, its like we are now in a diff level... level up na...

5. motherhoods gives you this; the ability to think and forgive often and gets excited at just about anything, and then take much pleasure in just about anything that comes their way, enjoys so much even for just a little while, forgives everyone, but gives wrath to those who step on her but with proper care and finesse, knows that there are answer to just ab out anything... and that in life motherhood's motto should be DON'T GIVE UP....

6. and gets hurt most of the time, still can be in poised to take it all inside and look at them precious ones and all fades away....

.....

Yah Man...

-was singin' the whole day Lucky.,... those lyrics hits me just so right in time...-

and was just hitting the note when.. all of a sudden a headache came throbbing in.....

that leaning to your shoulders really made me felt good.

really made me feel more of a better person

i dunno why it makes me feel that way

it never felt so good... it was better..

the more i think about it

the more thoughts came rushing in

it never felt good... it was better

life had been such great until you came

you made it clearer that life is far greater that what i thought it seem

you who knows no bounds

only possibilities

- - - -

and so there goes the "And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you each one a line or two"

im fine babe, im fine... and i miss you big time.. :)

i know you love me!

XOXO

akun nga namutikan

What a Child Learns 

If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn. 

  If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. 

 If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.  

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.  

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. 

 If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.  

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.  

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.  

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. 

 If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. 

 If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

 He learns to find love in the world. 

madamu ako sg mga bata nga nakita, nasalamuha kag ang iban akun nga guin palangga kag ang iban akun man nga gina sumpa.

of shoes and shoes...

bff asked me what i want... humayged. the hardest part is that when your bff asks you what you want.. and you can't just bite yer lip ... and so as much as i don't want to sound so obvious of me wanting to get a new shoes and that would be like splurging my budget for the whole year(for the whole year now since when i was a single young and very travel fun i get me self often a shoes.... )my bff asked me.. ha!.... medyo pa shy shy pa infairness daw ma anu na ako... hahahah esp coming from bff.. i don't want to be a bit of a hassle .. but he asked and i bet he insisted. hahahah .... still i know the bottom end of whatevers and everything that comes along the way i know i miss him. and ima want to hugs 'em tight.... and so i just can't ignore this blog entry of the feeling of being asked of what i want and what i am feelin' along the lines of what i call addiction ... my past addiction.... never thought of them my bffs are my addiction. and it feels like singin' soul sister by train....

2:53pmBFF

musta

2:53pmMe

ari ga hinalit sg oras para maka rami

2:53pmBFF

hai ano ipasallubong ko simo bay

2:53pmMe

hahahha

xcited to see you 'bff.. :P

2:54pmBFF

ari ko vancouver

2:54pmMe

whatever that rings in yer head that you have thought of me.... toinks!

2:55pmBFF

hmmmmm

esep esep

2:56pmMe

but let me know first... hahah basi lainlain inah.... hahahah

what i mean of kung anu anu da bla haw... hahahah

2:56pmBFF

gani let me know na lang

2:56pmMe

hahahaha

ha! your call ah.. :)

2:57pmBFF

burloloy? food? clothing? Shelter?

2:58pmMe

ha!... burloloy clothing .. shelter????? aint' that a bit exp??

hehehe

burloloy or clothing na alng ah... shelter is wayyyy hahaha

2:59pmBFF

anong size sa clothing?

3:00pmMe

sapatos na lng bala... hahahaha kay daw dyahe guid ang clothing.... hehehehe

mangkot mangkot ka ari mo ay.... :))

3:00pmBFF

ano size?

3:01pmMe

US-8.5 -- preferably wedge. :)

hahahaha

3:01pmBFF

ano inang wedge?

ang ending i end up dreaming of my wedges....

amu ni hu.... te pili-a lang... kung di mo mkita te basta daw sa muni sya hu.... and im sure you chose well man for me ah... :))

michael kors

nine west PONTI

michael kors

jessica simpson FRIDA

my princess... my duke...

now a certified 2year old and i enrolled her in a toddler school, so that she could be more interactive with persons her age and yeah be sociable, to develop her speech and her skills to be discover and whatever pa guid nga nadumduman ko while thinking about her in the middle of the night sometime march after i delivered her baby brother, yeah she looks like a three year old kid, and she is very picky when it comes to people that surrounds her...
last week of last month she was admitted to the hospital for the case of bronchopneumonia, where i have to be with her and help her cope with lots of nurses and IV's and meds that she underwent. but then enough with that kinda traumatic time to her, na amuse ako sa iya kay i never remembered myself when i was young like sg toddler days ko nga kikay ako kay im sure brusko ako ya sg una and i do UFC na.. well she does UFC too but not like her to love ribbons and beads and pearls and bangles and nice shoes and dress and do nail polish...

and now that her younger brother is 5months old, of course I cannot deny some occasional hurts coming her way but im sure its her way of loving her baby brother, since she is still a baby herself, it melts my heart to think that soon they'll grow up and will be having what they have... ahh too early to think about it.. Duke is a happy baby too, same with her big sissy, a big boy for a 5month.. well perhaps there goes the genes... at his age now he shows some nice signs of which i cannot reveal since i might be tagged or i might got the signal wrong.. but here's one thing im sure of them both... they are my precious ones forever my kids.. and always be loved....

isn't that ironic? (the thinker's think)

in the car going to shop.
i smiled, thought of some situations in life that is kinda crooked to think ... or i thought so it would be.
let alone my mind play. and so i smiled. funny. very very funny.
how many of us women, especially a wife.. a housewife, an employed wife, perhaps a wife of wealthy man. a mother.
ah woman who has children and a husband or yeah just a woman who has children. perhaps goes to a man who has children too. or a person who has to take care of someone.

my smile started when conversation starts with getting a nanny/house helper ( a room helper perhaps is the most appropriate)

battle inside the brain. yes i need a helper. being selfish. a selfish mom. i thought.

i have two kids. one is turning two few months from now and the little one is only 3months old.
yes i have a what do you call that partner?.. nohhhh a husband. a beautiful husband. a very very very beautiful husband. ha! he is.. he got long hair.. vainer than me i think. hahaha!

so getting a room helper / nanny - - why get 'em?..
have to attend to the biz where my hubby gets our bread and butter.
so kids will be left to her.
funny i said. why?.. becuz i have to pay her to be with my daughter and son, while im almost whole day at work. or facebooking at the office or blogging to my hearts content blowing my eyes off and drool over amazon or... taking the funny walk when something gets in my head. perhaps a hot air.
and so i pay them. one for my daughter and one for my son, both of them will share the work to clean the room as i expected, wash our laundry while the kids are asleep.. entertain them, perhaps teach them proper manners too and how i want them to be raised. and i get to work or have to accompany my hubby. reality bites. i cannot have the excuse of being absent or dilly dallying or how may it look like when im enjoying my kids, when im wanting to be with them.
of course i needed time for me self and thus the shout of superfriends are always on top whenever one is calling in. they are my excuse to reality, but enough with them becuz they are too awesome to describe. back to the helper.

so i pay. yes i will pay. adds up to the budget. adds up to being tic tac toe with dealing with them, since husband well makes a little bit complicated sometimes to me... have to talk to me and will convey it to the helper. funny but i don't know if that is really an attachment of being a wife middle-wife.. hahahah middle-wife thats it... ha! why can't they go directly to the helper? hmm its like a business no?... when the manager is not satisfied with the work he gets angry with the supervisor gets angry with the subordinates. yikes!
and i pay the helper. but that is business its not kids.. biz does not feel, does not needing.. is not human.
funny more indeed is that. i pay the helper. but i don't get paid being a wife. being a mother.
and so i learned that being a wife and a mother is priceless. ha ha ha ha....
or maybe it is just happening to me.
and so i was asked what if i get me self employed?... as in really employed in a company or employed with a 8hours day job or night perhaps and then just having that weekends with my kids. still i get to pay the helper.
funny .... very very funny. i pay helper to look after my kids.
will my kids pay for a kid for me to be busied with like me looking after that kid which is being paid for by my kid .. getting even perhaps...
as of the moment i am very very upset with a very very open mind over the issue.
that i have to blog it down for more clarity. becuz as of the moment i cannot .. well accept the consequences becuz i fear negative consequences. because i think it entails one.
i dunno if husband sees what i am seeing, priority in me is the well being of my kids. thier view of life and life ahead and everything depends on us. on me. not on the helper. the person i pay to look after my kids. and so the feeling of being envy over the helper being chosen by my daughter over me when i want her to be mine. is hurting me. i admit i am hurt.

my dear daughter if only you know how i struggle with that. that every time i look at you sleeping, contented with your happy day, i envy the helper for being with you the whole day...

this could be my sentence when she gets a little bit older if she asks me... how she is when she was ....

the issue of the helper. my issue of being a mother. of a wife. a wife of a man who has biz to attend to, that the priority is how to be of help in the biz (whole day) and being away from kids.
oh yeah that issue can be twisted, my time is flexible becuz he owns the biz. ha! if that is the case why hire and get a headache and work as much to pay one?...


the issue is .... kids growing up with helper.

maybe bec he doesn't want to be bothered by 'em when he goes to work in the morning that and gets home too tired from work?... help me out bec thats how i see it. hmmm more time over techie robots .... have i ever thought of computing time spent with them?.....
during weekends, when helper is looking after kids i cook, i clean, perhaps wash laundry, or doing something for the husband ( clear your mind off with the thing! that is not included!) or plain and simply doing my duty as a wife as a mother.
but hey really!!! how many hours do i spend with them?.. quality time.... what really is quality time?... im getting confused. ....
again the question....

do i need to pay for a person to look after my children...
hmmmm im not the one paying after all its my husband. but.

what!!!!! a slap on my face. she gets paid for doing that?.. and when did being a mother, a wife get paid?...
and so the song goes... round and round and round....

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

isn't that ironic?...
singin my heart out over that ironic thing is wanting me a cigarette to blow it down... hahahah... bad bad bad ....

3.43pm 04-05-2010 kag natapos na...

few have known, few have seen. that love got nothing to do with it.
priorities will change .... all are for the kids. will be selfless for them.
that i have known just a minute or so, upon starting this blog thing.... MOTHERHOOD IS SELFLESS. i don't know with others mother out there who cannot be selfless with their kids with the family .... i love my kids .... and i am selfish, becuz i want them. aha!

in between thoughts and with crumbling dreams and wishes and hopes.... nearly life is crumbling but i cannot just let it down me out.... i just have to stop something....
and i have come to realize that it has to end. something has to end. my back is broken from the bend. its no joke when you have come to realize that everything you wished for and had hope for just ends with still wishing and hoping. that for now i know i am wishing against wish and hoping against hope.

now is the time to set it right....
its no joke. no point in talking to you since you have closed everything down for your own benefit.
yes only for your own benefit.
and then a song in my head....
I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

hambal ko guid mo.... kundi klamay ko...