solitude.

1st day... just me and kids...

2nd day just me and kids

3rd day just me and kids

4th day ust me and kids

there were times in my days of my solitudeness to myself... trying to internalize more deeply of what reality is for me now.. as it sinks, as it slowly unfolds...

and all over again i kept on asking me self..

is this really what i want to happen?

is this what we have agreed before?...

is this where everything start?..

is this the mystery that is being wanted by so many?

the feeling is overwhelming since i get to stand into that situation, its like its all around me and all i could do is accept it but part of me says no... part of me i have to embrace it...

and all my answer was just like a mere smoke that floats... i don't want to accept that changes those realities those face that changes and what i have been believing what is that.. what is to be .... what is becoming of me...

yes it made me more of a better person, its not a question of my faith, for i know that he is always there and i know that he gives me more of my freedom to choose and his love for me is endless, undying, amazingly felt and greatly appreciated. i have seen more the bitter side of life, seen and felt what it feels like.

been in between hiccups and sobs, been in both worlds, been felt life and death, gave birth, felt the pain that no one could ever explain. felt the happiness no one ever experienced, for my pain, my sufferings, my happiness is not the same as the others.. and so i know you don't understand a thing... and so you end up letting it go.. letting it float

letting it it just fade away. but there are times that i would want to give up, but no, i now live not for myself anymore but for them-- my daughter and my son... they are what i am living for, whatever i am doing is for them, whatever i am fighting for is for them. if i may have been stupid... might as well be stupid for them my kids, not for others.

and so i guess its really really reality...

its not perfect, i may say it is .... but really its not perfect. who ever managed to say it is.. well i think its time to wake up and face the reality, since my children aren't in the world of make believe... they grow and what they see what they hear.. si what they will be absorbing... and thats what they are going to believe... thus enters my fears....

but no matter what.. i will be there for them.

ouch headache.....

no one lives alone. somebody needs someone. someone needs one. one needs God... God loves everyone.