my princess... my duke...

now a certified 2year old and i enrolled her in a toddler school, so that she could be more interactive with persons her age and yeah be sociable, to develop her speech and her skills to be discover and whatever pa guid nga nadumduman ko while thinking about her in the middle of the night sometime march after i delivered her baby brother, yeah she looks like a three year old kid, and she is very picky when it comes to people that surrounds her...
last week of last month she was admitted to the hospital for the case of bronchopneumonia, where i have to be with her and help her cope with lots of nurses and IV's and meds that she underwent. but then enough with that kinda traumatic time to her, na amuse ako sa iya kay i never remembered myself when i was young like sg toddler days ko nga kikay ako kay im sure brusko ako ya sg una and i do UFC na.. well she does UFC too but not like her to love ribbons and beads and pearls and bangles and nice shoes and dress and do nail polish...

and now that her younger brother is 5months old, of course I cannot deny some occasional hurts coming her way but im sure its her way of loving her baby brother, since she is still a baby herself, it melts my heart to think that soon they'll grow up and will be having what they have... ahh too early to think about it.. Duke is a happy baby too, same with her big sissy, a big boy for a 5month.. well perhaps there goes the genes... at his age now he shows some nice signs of which i cannot reveal since i might be tagged or i might got the signal wrong.. but here's one thing im sure of them both... they are my precious ones forever my kids.. and always be loved....

isn't that ironic? (the thinker's think)

in the car going to shop.
i smiled, thought of some situations in life that is kinda crooked to think ... or i thought so it would be.
let alone my mind play. and so i smiled. funny. very very funny.
how many of us women, especially a wife.. a housewife, an employed wife, perhaps a wife of wealthy man. a mother.
ah woman who has children and a husband or yeah just a woman who has children. perhaps goes to a man who has children too. or a person who has to take care of someone.

my smile started when conversation starts with getting a nanny/house helper ( a room helper perhaps is the most appropriate)

battle inside the brain. yes i need a helper. being selfish. a selfish mom. i thought.

i have two kids. one is turning two few months from now and the little one is only 3months old.
yes i have a what do you call that partner?.. nohhhh a husband. a beautiful husband. a very very very beautiful husband. ha! he is.. he got long hair.. vainer than me i think. hahaha!

so getting a room helper / nanny - - why get 'em?..
have to attend to the biz where my hubby gets our bread and butter.
so kids will be left to her.
funny i said. why?.. becuz i have to pay her to be with my daughter and son, while im almost whole day at work. or facebooking at the office or blogging to my hearts content blowing my eyes off and drool over amazon or... taking the funny walk when something gets in my head. perhaps a hot air.
and so i pay them. one for my daughter and one for my son, both of them will share the work to clean the room as i expected, wash our laundry while the kids are asleep.. entertain them, perhaps teach them proper manners too and how i want them to be raised. and i get to work or have to accompany my hubby. reality bites. i cannot have the excuse of being absent or dilly dallying or how may it look like when im enjoying my kids, when im wanting to be with them.
of course i needed time for me self and thus the shout of superfriends are always on top whenever one is calling in. they are my excuse to reality, but enough with them becuz they are too awesome to describe. back to the helper.

so i pay. yes i will pay. adds up to the budget. adds up to being tic tac toe with dealing with them, since husband well makes a little bit complicated sometimes to me... have to talk to me and will convey it to the helper. funny but i don't know if that is really an attachment of being a wife middle-wife.. hahahah middle-wife thats it... ha! why can't they go directly to the helper? hmm its like a business no?... when the manager is not satisfied with the work he gets angry with the supervisor gets angry with the subordinates. yikes!
and i pay the helper. but that is business its not kids.. biz does not feel, does not needing.. is not human.
funny more indeed is that. i pay the helper. but i don't get paid being a wife. being a mother.
and so i learned that being a wife and a mother is priceless. ha ha ha ha....
or maybe it is just happening to me.
and so i was asked what if i get me self employed?... as in really employed in a company or employed with a 8hours day job or night perhaps and then just having that weekends with my kids. still i get to pay the helper.
funny .... very very funny. i pay helper to look after my kids.
will my kids pay for a kid for me to be busied with like me looking after that kid which is being paid for by my kid .. getting even perhaps...
as of the moment i am very very upset with a very very open mind over the issue.
that i have to blog it down for more clarity. becuz as of the moment i cannot .. well accept the consequences becuz i fear negative consequences. because i think it entails one.
i dunno if husband sees what i am seeing, priority in me is the well being of my kids. thier view of life and life ahead and everything depends on us. on me. not on the helper. the person i pay to look after my kids. and so the feeling of being envy over the helper being chosen by my daughter over me when i want her to be mine. is hurting me. i admit i am hurt.

my dear daughter if only you know how i struggle with that. that every time i look at you sleeping, contented with your happy day, i envy the helper for being with you the whole day...

this could be my sentence when she gets a little bit older if she asks me... how she is when she was ....

the issue of the helper. my issue of being a mother. of a wife. a wife of a man who has biz to attend to, that the priority is how to be of help in the biz (whole day) and being away from kids.
oh yeah that issue can be twisted, my time is flexible becuz he owns the biz. ha! if that is the case why hire and get a headache and work as much to pay one?...


the issue is .... kids growing up with helper.

maybe bec he doesn't want to be bothered by 'em when he goes to work in the morning that and gets home too tired from work?... help me out bec thats how i see it. hmmm more time over techie robots .... have i ever thought of computing time spent with them?.....
during weekends, when helper is looking after kids i cook, i clean, perhaps wash laundry, or doing something for the husband ( clear your mind off with the thing! that is not included!) or plain and simply doing my duty as a wife as a mother.
but hey really!!! how many hours do i spend with them?.. quality time.... what really is quality time?... im getting confused. ....
again the question....

do i need to pay for a person to look after my children...
hmmmm im not the one paying after all its my husband. but.

what!!!!! a slap on my face. she gets paid for doing that?.. and when did being a mother, a wife get paid?...
and so the song goes... round and round and round....

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

isn't that ironic?...
singin my heart out over that ironic thing is wanting me a cigarette to blow it down... hahahah... bad bad bad ....

3.43pm 04-05-2010 kag natapos na...

few have known, few have seen. that love got nothing to do with it.
priorities will change .... all are for the kids. will be selfless for them.
that i have known just a minute or so, upon starting this blog thing.... MOTHERHOOD IS SELFLESS. i don't know with others mother out there who cannot be selfless with their kids with the family .... i love my kids .... and i am selfish, becuz i want them. aha!

in between thoughts and with crumbling dreams and wishes and hopes.... nearly life is crumbling but i cannot just let it down me out.... i just have to stop something....
and i have come to realize that it has to end. something has to end. my back is broken from the bend. its no joke when you have come to realize that everything you wished for and had hope for just ends with still wishing and hoping. that for now i know i am wishing against wish and hoping against hope.

now is the time to set it right....
its no joke. no point in talking to you since you have closed everything down for your own benefit.
yes only for your own benefit.
and then a song in my head....
I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

hambal ko guid mo.... kundi klamay ko...

yohoooo.... IM OKAY??????

i just want to share this about Lamaze, although i never enrolled... but reading is worth it..

The Lamaze Philosophy - holds that birth is a normal, natural and healthy process and that women should be empowered through education and support to approach it with confidence. the goal of Lamaze is to explore all the ways women can find strength and comfort during labor and birth. Classes focus on relaxation techniques, but they also encourage the mother to condition her body's response to pain through training and practice, the process is called psycho-prophylaxis.
Lamaze courses don't advocate for or against the use of drugs and routine medical interventions during labor and delivery, but instead educate mothers about their options so they can make informed decisions when the time comes.

yeah i never had lamaze class, i just read some articles about them and yeah one can get that idea through and in your system, also talking to your husband is great...
like for me a month before i delivered Princess Christer, i told him, i don't want epidural or pain killers or what ever that could harm the baby .. though tested epidural already in the market and i think widely used by many, i prefer not to, unless life and death. i was ready to feel the pain, and im so wanting it that after 8 units of oxytocin i am still alive and pretty happy and yup no pain. i felt the pain... right after those IV's were off my skin.. and then im still not open .. my OB told my husband if after 1hour my cervix hasn't opened yet (got stuck up yeah for the hundredth times 4cm) i will be in C section... thus my husband says... do what is best doc you know what is best... he saw the worst of my situation right after the ob said ok.. yikes.. the pain..

being knowledgeable of how your baby grows inside and how your body responds to each pregnancy though it is not the same as the previous or others pregnancy, it is still best to accept and embrace the changes, and always take comfort in the Lord (geeh! i find these hard lately, embracing ...) ... being too emotional one pregnant woman cannot do without, i am happily saying that i am one of 'em, i am having my share of supper ups and downs and tried managing the love and hate relationship, still manage to stand my ground and be sane...
im now 33.5 weeks and im due in 5 to 6 weeks.. and now im feeling and yes i said feeling the big D is again coming .. i have experienced the peak of crying lady, never thought of crying inside the bathroom for like one hour under the shower, not knowing what becomes of what... all i know is that i want to cry and i feel so down... something deep is scarring my heart... that everytime baby kicks i feel afraid. and i cry. i have managed with the help of my dear hunny bunny and some text and pep talks from my super friends. and now i can feel it coming again, .. but im willing to get over it and win at the end, only me can make it ... no one can break it... thus whatever i feel i offer it to God, though i feel sorry, still i know He knows the reality of me.
so the readings and everythings that are nice to read that comforts me and silence me... pray.
after all life is... drawing the strength within me... empowering my self towards a beautiful life.... with the help of the Almighty God thru the intercession of Mama Mary and smiles, laughs, giggles, whispers, cryings, clingings, kisses, dancing (these never stops...) etc etc etc from princess Christer and soon added a heft of joy Duke .. no one can top that off nothing can top that off...

indeed its friday!

ha.. so early the lent for me..
have to put up with sitting in the table perhaps for the whole day... testing me self
and then all of a sudden,
i thought of wanting to eat pasta putanesca at dulcinea yes at smct
and then hit the road to baby company and well perhaps check on some bassinets and cribs, and i have to put away the thoughts on car seat/stroller for now. and so i i want a bassinet for duke,
since as for experience during princess time, i have to cuddle her while i was eating my lunch or my dinner since sometimes its would just be me and her then everyone is out actually especially the tatay has to be in the tindahan to sell robots... and i did not hire a yaya since princess then was so small to be left with yaya and yes i breastfeed her so 24/7 every two hours two gunners for her, haha, and i can't just leave her inside our room, and i don't want to get the habit of eating inside our room too... so yes i now need a bassinet for her to put her whenever i need a break... i feel more secure even though others may look at it somewhat a bit not so fitting in (awkward!) but becuz i feel more secure with that idea so please let it be, if hubby is present yup he look s after but nope he still not prefer to carry the new born since he's too afraid that he might hurt or whatever he is thinking .... so there...
so there it is... and also i would love to eat that rice thing at s'barro with beans and olives and yup it does taste blant... but i love it.. i can suite my taste with whatever i want to eat with that rice... chicken parmigiana, meat balls with tomato sauce or just plain grilled chicken... yummy anyone care to get me that?... please do text if you can.. basi malumos ko! hahahaha....
and so i much over sunflower seeds so as not tog ain weight more... ha! health buff huh!
yup and im now one of the commuters... i commute, but grabbing the opportunity if someone's driving the car or their car my way... ain't that nice to just be a hitch hiker? hahah i think much better to avoid the idea of being so stupid while working out how those assholed scratched the car, and yes its way out of my hands that the thing the car was damaged. its just a car, good thing it wasn't me, i have to shake that off of me, i don't want repeating issue with that car,
i guess no sorry for me.. as usual.. no sorry for me.. to them perhaps sorry is for a lame person.
hahaha... i feel sorry for them anyway.
anyway i get to enjoy the idea of riding the tricycle.. its like going to roxas, but i dunno if my tummy does. i have baby inside you know. hahah and i still have 5 to 6 more weeks to go!.. yohoooo.... malapit na ako umuwi ng lapuz!... (quips!) im begging for that.
blessed friday for me and princess and duke!
have nice full of weekend surprises to everyone! not for me! hahaha

i was reminded

i thought of getting out of the pit
still looking up
wondering whats next
it was all a cycle
and im getting tired of it
i thought i could
and now i know i think i can't
move it, think fast
better think fast
before i end up lost inside the pit
and will be ending life wandering what happens
between here and beyond

it was not after all about what one's felt
its all about how one endures.
endures everything.
deadly.


get sucked up.
i want silence.
got nothing good to say?..
shut the freakin' up.
if it does not concerns you please shut up.
none of your business???
please do put a tape in that mouth of yours
i don't want your thoughts
i don't want whatever comes out of your mouth.

still moving.
life is still moving.
even though i know how much i want it to stop.

i have to be strong for them both.

life is... princess and duke!

to buy or not to buy...

that is the biggest question i have to post!...
to buy or not to buy...
the stroller (well it comes with a car seat)
and im wanting to have one..
reasons:
1. princess im pretty sure upon riding the car won't be able to stand the idea of me holding the duke, while she is not seated on my lap. so there goes duke to the car seat. VERY GOOD!
2. yeah i might need a stroller for duke too since princess has her own umbrella type. GOOD!
3. a bit cheap since the cost for that package (stroller with car seat) 6,500pesos. GOOD
4. if i go for just a car seat that would cost me 5,000pesos. BADDDD.
5. stroller - a good stroller that could be used by duke newborn to toddler is like 3,000 to 4,000 pesos. BAAADDD
6. that car seat can be useful much for sure, becuz its for the safety of the baby since princess won't anymore just do the "behave" thing while inside the car so she has to be held. GOOD
7. i can bring and drive the baby to the pedia alone, if hubbs is busy at work, since i don't have plans to add another yaya for duke, hmmm... GOOD.

there goes the seven last word for that stroller.
TO BUY OR NOT TO BUY that is still the question.


bottomline is - - - im looking at my pocket!... though insignificant, becuz i know i can pull hubbs for that. by the way he is also thinking with me too! and besides ahhh enuff with all the reasons..... if its for us then it will be ours!...

godparents.

organizing the baptism of my Duke... yup as early as 30 weeks!
why? becuz....
so i have these few question like
1. pwede godparents gyapun ang mga friends ko?
kay daw sila man lang friends ko gani. hahahah
and i want them to be part of our lives always.
yup i have big family and of course i am very aware of the responsibilities of a godparents
that's why if pwede sa uulitin? kasi i know i can really really really count on them.
AS IN....
these pops up in my head.

let me think... some thoughts.. random thoughts,

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

human as i am i know i have some inadequacies, and i know too how i strive to make up for those. i too feel pain, i tool feel the need of my self, i too loose my self and i need to find my self.

i have and i can offer much and now im asking please let me be for a while.

if not for me please be it for my daughter and son...

oftentimes i drown myself to an insecurity no one dared ask me how i have gotten there,

but here i tell you how.

because you never know,

you never even gave me the second thought,

you never gave me a chance.

you've been unfair.

you never been fair to us.

but its okey i have to live with that and ponder that i may never ... i shall never do that.

ahh such is life for me perhaps.

but i never raised my hand just to surrender the flag mainly because i belong to the bottom pit.

even the ants has something to say, its just that they are never heard.

even the fly has something to say its just that no one understand

and i even has something to say its just no one want to hear, because im at the bottm pit.

the heart has its reason which reason knows nothing of.

i know nothing..... that makes sense.

i wish i never knew.

and for everything there is a season.

let me cry for that. let me grasp the pure essence of what really lies behind.

let me be let me be let me be.

wrapping up the week as early this afternoon

4.43pm, was thinking of making a blog to commemorate a friend who died 12-08-2009 @ 8.27am, while playing cafe' world... he leveled up.. he was a good person, one who just want to do good in whatever in life.... MVG rest in peace, you are now in the hands of our dear Lord, ...
here we go! again i have to go back to other sites i have visited before, why?.. becuz im expecting a boy is that a question that needs to be answered?.. oh well yeah... oh well it snot actually have to but hey my being mother asks me to do so. and so i browsed.... to be honest i have been browsing since like two days already, last sunday i was checking the price of the playtex drop-in liners becuz i purchased this playtext drop ins and it comes only like 5 liners for each size (4oz & 8oz) why liners?.. hello you know i have a forecast of midyear next year im going to be like this travelling mom or was planning of yeah months old Duke and 2 year old Princess will be out of towners every now and then, OMG yeah... and that is a very good motivation perhaps for a very squirmy mommy like me ( im no worm mother ati! its just that i want to get my ass moving!) heheheh, so those drop in liners i thought are a very good one to have, and i think its costs cheap, and have discussed it already with hubby and yeah he said it is much better than bringing all the bottles and cleaning them every now and then and sterilizing them, ha!.. now i feel like a celebrity with those handy drop ins... both Duke and Princess will be happy with this.. Princess already made a mess out of that box, when i was inspecting it and kinda like the tits. ahahah... and so the amazon dot com is well browsed by me, the playtex site also, and then the babies r us site, since im looking for a nice onesies for the baby boy, though princess onesies are kinda in good condition, but ain't Baby Duke gets to have good ones too right?... Princess had some good ones too even though Carlo gave away his newborn shirts and sock and caps and mittens... each one deserves something special too... and so that justifies my browsing and my beg-time to hubby, ahihihi, hmmm my hunny bunny sister, its all up to her, she knows whats best usually even though i don't ask, she spoils me much. yeah. (its not that im thinking she is going to spoil me again but hey! im just being honest that she does!) if i demand she says outright if its not good or what... she is practically a magical one!... - this note aint to fatten up your ears hunny bunny but its just the truth... you've been a very dotting aunt to Princess and you spoiled her too much .. see we still have some stuffs until we reach our terrible two's... you spoil me too... hihihi, and then toinkS!.... i miss you. on the other hand, its not just Princess she spoils i think all of the kids... she loves kids im sure... she just don't like the idea of baby alive!.. hahahh ...
and then have noticed that baby boys' apparels are somewhat no not boring but yeah boring!. haahahah.... pants, shirts, polo, shorts, green blue, brown, white, red.. long sleeves... but im pretty sure Duke will still look uber cute in whatever, she kicks so well inside and tumbles .. its like im going to have another UFC player coming and a muay thai player... so Tito Yayo, you better practice well there in UK so that you'll be playing in the fields when you get here...
and so i have to continue browsing....

barbie's cradle - playing in my iPod....
5.08pm ------