one half one half - total of one

okey im partly disable for now... feeling ko lang.. hmmmm maybe becuz of my decision to shut the fuck! things up! das it for that word today.
imagine the thing that kept me up all day is my text messages....
hay naku lenj salamat guid ha sa pag hatag mo sg kahigayunan nga mag text permi sa akun... hihihi la na abi ako textmate te anhun ta ina noh?>.. everybody's busy sometime
for now they are always busy guid iya... heeheh ( baw sounds like toto!)

anyway
i have nothing to blog actually for the sake lang nga daw may obrahun ako at this hour! hahaha... kay di ko gani ka sleep.... know why?.... i dunno.... you know?
i miss there!

splats of neurons!

okey to be exact the time is 1.03am... i just can't sleep for now since i know that i fell like there is a need for me to blog at this wee hour.... i am kinda near to frustraiton over what i've been looking for at SMD - chain for my charm necklace... which i know will look good on this (there oh!) dress im wearing.. see its soo cool.. its a very cute hierloom, and it has a sotry to tell, hmmm
and then i went to oton to visit my aunt';s wake, where my papa did the mass and yes was asked to do the readings... and that was okey since its not like thrice or twice it shall be happening that my aunt will be dead! nyee!!! and then i called up pap bert hay.. i mis ko na guid ang roxas people... thought of going there but i dunno.. im kinda holding back here ah.. daw kabug-at sg tiil ko haw?.. oh my! and then pap bert is busy naman, and i dunno if pap harold has already finsihd editing thoce videos he needs, and then pap lenj of course cannot be there becuz he has tp be with papa bert... see toto is not around... and hmmmm i don't know.. so i thought of asking somebody to come over... " lenj upod ka ky harold sa monday kag tuesday?" but i know that is like 30-70 ratio.. 30 is okey 70 is hmmmm la may ma serve kay papa bert..
hay segi alng ahh... miss ko na kamu.. and even i have been seeing richard lately like thrice in a week na seems that its your company i long for still...
daw ma saot ko sa kahidlaw sa inyo... daw ma sing ako save the best for last... galing theme song ina ni CVD sa akun, dayun theme song pa guid ina sg napatay kuno nga seminarista.. hay te akun ya gusto ko lang kantahun its becuz of the reason akon na lang na ya eh....
and then ahyhhha! next blog ko lang aling baw natuyo n a ako... wala pa si lenj katawag... baw ah.. basi tulog na ato... anywy.. next n alng ang teller bitches ah!!

my heart is telling that tomorrow is a brand new day! it must be faced with high hopes and awareness of how much i am loved and cuddled by God in his loving and perfect embrace... that there are just some reasons that are meant to stay as reasons and needs no argument! hahhah
and now i end up these splat of neurons with....

whatever i have done in this lifetime of mine... i know i never missed... i never missed loving, i never missed kindness and care! the matter of fact i didn't know my heart can do such like that! coming to realize that i am happy !

LGA

met him at NINO's pizzahan at roxas ( the place to be and where the friendships resides!) at first oh well he is this kinda grabeh mag stare kaya, it seems im being stripped off haha.. pero all the while he is soo cool.. and very down to earth... and of course the more i get to know him its like something... connectedness... though the relationship ( as what i call in everything that connects me to one person) is well too young but i am having all the high hopes over this since its either we break or take! the level of maturity of this person is way ... hmmm like me... heheeheh-- we bitch on others especially RB (haahh sorry 'bout that RB) no harm done in anyway as we take all the pleasure of pleasures in doing so becuz we care a lot ( winks!) about you! - - we party as if its like we are a regular college stud! we smoke! hell yeah! ... though i never heard him singing but at least i heard from a source that he sings quite well... not to be compared with HF though since i cannot compare two diffrent persona totally diffrent person of course there would be some instance that they could be alike but no one is alike... hmmm... i can sense that sometimes he does took the time to snoop around ( especially my body... hhhhhh) he does appreciate well the imperfection of natural beauty done by my tatay and nanay in a manner of kinda discreet pero at the same time bongga! like the using the word VOLUPTOUS! its like vavavooom! vavoooom!!! hahah... and then of course he is my ever avid textmate... well he does cover up over the busiest days and no loads and sleepytime of both HF and RA so the reason maybe that he hangs on by texting me... heeheh jokes! and then he is both the epitome of good and bad --- as you may not know --- he serves usually at the mass, from the parish to the remote baranggays of pan-ay and to some other parts of roxas, capiz! --- still he never forgets to textback or cancel my call... at the event yan ha! hahah grabe kaayo it kurba kang utok na! magna cum laude ini no!!! tapos permi lang sya ya presence of mind and body!!! for now mu lang ni anay i think am going to make part two of this.. kay i know some words that gets in my brain for the thoughts of LGA is more of understatements... but like he said there is no understatement understatemen ahhh only underwear!! hahaha he is soo cool!!! and i like his company since there are some connections that binds us both that is still unknown to both of us!

SSHdaF

i am not really interested with this guy at first when i saw him at SJRS( must be spoken with an english twang!) and then i began that interest in him when i saw him play the organ( ngek! the one with the lights that blinks when you touch the keys!) his hands are so smooth.. (ahem! illusionada!) skin so soft and yes chinito -- with a hmmm kinda japanese family name... yeah i have thought of that maybe he is from a japanese descent. so he is cute. period. no more comments whatsoever and yes he would be the always victim whenever i would come and visit or just plain have a breakfast at SPFY- snobbish at first but then oh well the rest is history but as i have come to know him more deeper ( wow ha! deeper!) he is this so damn good to get along with person, though a bitch sometimes but he is so good at it and that he makes things wuite unnusual sometimes that makes you to think that whatever he does he makes it a little bit extra special! and he influenced me more when it comes to music.. yes we have that same thinking though not same since he sings songs like a nightingale! dang!he is sooo good... and very accomodating ever! motto for him?: when you say nothing at all.... though i heard him telling me about my situation with bf the time i went to roxas to meet them since i was in deep gutter shit! he was soo cool, daw ka sister -brother nga story ang iya nga hambal.. yeah empathy is the word... and he does cook well tooo hmmmm very genius ang kurba sg brain... and always on the go for party life! basta may sigarilyo alng kag music... and then a coffee or some sweets for him hum hum hum! thats so harold... and he is this very pa cute with no effort sometimes... plus factor ang attitude nga " ay bay-e da sya ah.... carry ko ito!!" and bungisngis over the tragic moments sometimes... and try not to be caught ... alpha kapal muks! so yes as if i don't know you! or whatever is the bitchyness we both have! yourself! yeah we love that word! there's this something yet to be discover siguro deeper what we have in common that makes us click aside from cooking, music, and chickha over somebody hehehe sorry no but we love bitchin' around .. just for our dessert, but we keep it all in ourlseves! i bet we do!... heheehh and then i love him! heheeh the reason why i want to confess to him over something becuz i know he is this person sometimes the not feeling anything... just give you the ear to listen adn thats it... don't expect anything nice or good or bad or bitch over kay wala ka guid sg mabatian.... and yes he snores very well.... miss that! hehehe in G minor
hmmm i think he is a great dancer! yeah i think the way i look at him sometimes.. when he walks... ( pardon me for snooping with your body language HF but i just can't help it especially when the time that i am mesmerized by your presence! its not just you.. it also happens to RA to LA to JR to RD to RS to MB and to people i care a lot!) i am just sooo clingy when it comes to my circle... hmmm

R-B-A.......

he is this kind of a person whom you just can't imagine could do such nice things and say nicest things both you would appreciate and then coming to realize what is essential. and then coming into conlusion that you haven't notice was just so simple as one two three.... i could say he is as too good to be my confidante but yes he is...
'tis he who usually end up the person i would call or text when im in deep trouble.
he is this also very moraly upright but still waves to some excuses since everything is clean fun and not or even a single thing was taken for granted, with much of presence of mind and very thought of how to manage the idea of mingle and getting to know and knows very well his personal space. and he doesn't mind me just standing there inorder to compose myself in time of my disillusionment over life's idiosyncrasies. he is always there ready to pack things up for me when i feel sooo very deep and way down low... in the midst of trouble not physicaly but more so of emotional... so the feeling is mutual. i would even imagine him (usually kasi he settle things to talk to me on the phone even like after three days or a week of hardship and heart smacking tears i have already shed,, though it still feel hurts and then he would call since i cannot push my time becuz he is busy also,,, but i love it when i just text back and i know he just read all my text messages and then if things are not being very well understood and kinda he may have seen it perhaps that its getting heavier.. he'd call) so he would call and helps me settle it talk to me on the phone ( ten piso per call realy helps! thanks for the time and the ten piso bert! i know its more than the ten piso you bank on me! hehehe)and would even feel the way i am shedding my tears my cracking of voice and helps me to slow down, by the idea of shusshing me ( i can even picture things out like when im talking to him, its like im sitting there and he could transform himself to my counselor and not a friend who empathize, though i know he does, but he always sees that i will get a balance and fair views over the idea and help me manage things, and yes at the end of it all he still ends up my bestie whom i can count on.... anytime of the day... just be patient in waiting though becuz if he is still soo asleep he will.

and when he is not my confidante and we would just talk naturally as friends and we would take the issue of morality and some attitudes and self ... he is this very moraly upright ( taken from the text of LA and voice of SSHF ) he makes sure that everything are just properly inorder and that always feels at heart, though i notice lately he learned the art of SSHF -- bahala na da ah! thats how SSHF would always say when in the middle of crisis, just like let's cross the bridge when we get there... so next is SSHF-- but hey mind you RBA has this attitude of hitting the wound kinda twice sometimes... ( is this the right words im putting in?) ahh figure it out when you meet him ah... but hey he is soo damn good! one of the best person i encountered in my years of existence. that's RBA..... he could shyly smile when he knows that he can't be with me in presence when im in town, he can sweat a lot over a succeeding masses of the day.. or how hectics his day would be, but still end up fulfilled over the day, or how he gets confused over his laptop, or how he would be acting in such situation of like in between got nothing to do... he blushes and that he really appreciate the so called ups and downs that lets us all transforms sometimes into a very not so ordinary person at all.. or not the same person we ought to be... and he would be there to cling to our string and would remind that we need to stay put and settle things as early as possible... my minds getting much more of RBA but i need to start with SSHdaF and LGA ... description!

heart stricken

okey im supposed to write soemthing about how i feel, so this is how it is... but should not be in a prose format...

the night is so hot... i asked bf if we could have ice cream together, and then while in line for the cashier to order and pay up becuz we chose jolibee to have that ice cream night, i thought of how simple we have been taking our lives, taking some pains in and out and then just let it pass and spend an ice cream together. though nothing bad happen to us lately not much of argument or just nearly and argument but hey settled and signed done. so back to the ice cream night, you know the feeling of having the simplest of things in life for which you both can enjoy and feel it. so we had our ice cream and then we went inside the department store to check somethings out, so we both thought of we need a new toothbrush.. yeah i need new toothbrush to keep me teeth clean and then i thought of a need a powder(loose powder) so i thought of buying me self the usual one i bought since i was a kid, i though of buying me self the powder that reminds me of how i am loved by my late tatay( so there i go again!) but hey i love that memory ever!! ( as you can see i am not having a hard time in choosing what toothbrush to buy and etc toiletries since i always stick to what my usual stuff is.. boring yes but very rare of me to trust ... sometimes i do take the risks but usually i don't.. id rather stick to what i call i am hiyang ( or used to) due to some all the reason i can have in the world. but here's the catch over the ice cream and the department store chuvas me and my bf did is.. the realization of simple things we both once did now makes me more emotional; since it was one of the best time that i get to spend some quiet moments with him, no dis agreements and we both have our freedom and we both needed each other .. like after he had settled his bills since i get to roam and scour for what i need to we let each other do settle on our own and then he went looking after me... and then it felt cute.. since we have this desire for each other... ahhh simple things sometimes we forgot to appreciate... like having ice cream and not talking... just enjoying the not so quiet moments at jolibee and then freedom to buy anything i want at the department store and letting him look for me after... isn't that cute?...
and that i have to talk in a low mid voice... since i am trying to have that personal space with quiet thoughts and solace deep within... thinking that life is....

jun29th2007

so we had dinner and these is how i spend time with my brothers and my nephews and neices ... how funny and corny we could get but yes we do just like these...
have fun and have all the funns in the world....

i did it.

nagkadto guid ako sa imo
para lang nga matapos
kag ma klaruhan ako
baw grabe guid ang akun nabatyagan

sabado pa lang gina plano ko na
nga sa bwuas dominggo makadto ako
kag tubangon ko ang kung anu man dira

pero la ako maghuna huna ang may okasyun gle
pero kay tungod ara na ako sa lugar
kag sa sitwasyun nga ay ambot
daw sa indi ko na guid ya maintindihan

pagkita ko sa imo
ay abaw daw sa malipong ako
kag ang pamatyag ko nga kung nakita mo ako
baw nahibaluan ko nga daw maguba guid ang imo adlaw
naguba ko ang pamaypay ni nanay
sa sobra ko ka tensyunado

ay abaw " was even praying that i don't want to do it na lang"
pero ang mga upod ko naghambal nga tubagon ko na lang

kundi go ako to the what my goal that day

gani nagkadto ako
susmaryosep
ang pamatyag sang daw malupot, daw gina tubol,
nga nagapalangluya ang mga tuhod
amu sina ang nabatyagan ko ]
pero gin segi ko guid
kay kabalo ako nga
para guid sa akun kaayuhan ang tanan
kag para ma save whatever we have

kag ako naghilibiun sg pwerte ka damo nga luha
the last time i cried so hard like this is when my tatay died.
i never thought that it would happen again

kag sa atun nga pag istoryahanay
ang tanan naklaruhan guid sa akun
salamat guid sa imo nga pagpalangga
and that time i felt it soo through and through

and i imissed that
i really missed you
i never felt so like that before
and then
after all those pouring of hurts and everything angst
the light of the goodness triumph over
the unknown force that made me look like a funny being in the face of teh earth

and now i feel more freer, more grown up and partly fulfilled
with life's lessons and learnings i know i am love and will be loved through and through

and so i say to you.... thank you for making something out of me

realization:
that in everything
courage is really what we need inorder for us to step and go forth
with the aid of prayers, hope and faith we have to the almighty.. who never ever have abandone us... He does not give problems that we cannot carry....
he gives hope and dreams a reason for us to cherish it more beautifully with him...

God you are so wonderful... awesome ....
thank you for writing my love story.. my life!

drilled

heart thumping
head thumping
mass of pain
feeling the drain
like it drills a hole
in my head

im having it for like two days already
and it won't go away
what am gonna do
eyes are affected
my whole body slouch to couch
with the feeling of not being drained by work
or a talk to someones life's bitchyness
but becuz i have a fuckin' headache
and the thought of writing inmy blog would take it away
well tell you it did not..
it grew more more more
and then i got this emergency call from my brothers...
that i have to be a rescue for now since our nephew
was admitted to the hospital
dengue..
so i went
for a while headache went somewhere that i do not know
and then the following morning went home took the power nap
when i woke up
bang! it again drills in the middle of my brain
right in between the crivasses of my brain
it's like a hell of a toruture..
thought for a while some sugar would help
but it didn't
and then i was again thinking soo deep of what the solution will be
??????
ha! a trip will fuck this off ey?...
so i was thinking of taking a van to roxas... well its the place to be
but then when i took a peep on my schedule
whoa!!! i just can't make it
maybe on wednesday next week..,..
i can't make it on friday since saturday i will have my tita and tita's everywhere coming in
so there it goes...
i feel like being assholed! ,maybe i have been thinking much of the
situation im in with my papa.... oh i so missed his being.
not the pap i knew who gave somwhat like a curse to me few weeks ago...
heheeheh

and then the idea of THE HOTEL OF harold
maybe that too adds up to this drilling headache i have
and then his dropping of message that leaves me to think of what the f&*^&
so i miss bitching and pissing him off! and he does to me now... or is he?
i miss them.
a puff and a clink and lots a laughs and chissmisses heehehhe all we have to share to ourselves
and my thought of confession ....
maybe that too reasons out why im having this bad head ache!

and it tires my neck! down to my lower back.... ahhh tired!

of being human

last night before i rest my head, i texted my dear friend if its possible to confess..
but to no avail the REPLY menu maybe on his cellphone does not exist that night... or simply "load is not available" or "check operator" message blinks everytime he would try to text me back... whatever... what the heck!
yeah i asked for a confession over a text messages...yes i won't say it here.. as i leave it to that sense in time when i have the time to go there and visit them and have fun with them perhaps before the having fun thing i could tell him, then it won't be confession but its what i call " stripping myself in front of him..." sexy ha?.... oh well i know he should understand coz if he won't.. i'll be doomed! hahaahh so i told the person involved that he should not know but i know that in time he will know man gyapun kay its better that way nga eh... you know i still believe that trying to be honest to some facts about what is going on with me or what i feel or how i feel or what my disposition is well helps a lot in a way of better understanding of the other to the other's attitude during or after or maybe the time.,..... though i must admit that stripping myself to all the fears and all the presumptions sometimes leads me to some hmmmm cracks... and sometimes its better to think about soooo many many times first ... so i know that i have to confess kay daw gina hay ambot ah...." im being bitchy na iya..." the reason i chose harold to tell about this its becuz wala sya ma say.... ( i think!! he usually does nothing to say!) its like talkin' to nobody and helping you purged out whatever pungent situation you have... ehehehe wala siya pakialam... not that he doesn't care.. its his way of telling "you can bitch it on me baby"... ehheh i love him.. though the other is kinda... hmmmm quite balances everything... but this time i know he can't or maybe he won't be in anything mode when i tell him this... heeheh its better not to tell him muna.. eeeeeeeee...... i so want to jump!!! 5feet jump! ehheeheh i love him... its just soo nice to have diff people whom i know when i need them they are just there... diff people who share your diff vision but still respect and understand the way things are and helps you sort out the unfinished business you got in life while living... and still get to enjoy the realities and idosyncrasies out of just anything under whatever weather we all have in to.... and we get to share in the union of belongingness..... though yes i know that there just some time that we just don't want to see other people or purely we avoid others its becuz we are protecting our innerselves... then we have to respect that.. if that time comes that its my time to be avoided.. i have to accept that.. life is not always what i make it... sometimes we have to compromise.... sometimes we have to step back and look at how the world turns and maybe we could join and just let it turn for a new day brings on new hope... new days brings more joys and laughters and maturity comes when you got friends like these..... what else you want in life?... i so cannot eliminate them in my life... missing them... soo wanting to be with them ... under the pouring rain!!!! like children dancing in the rain with no clothes on.....i miss them terribly!