New discovery or just another line

While waiting for the app to be downloaded i was thinking when was the last time i updated my blog? And so have to check my last post. Waw is in wow! So have to polish my brain. 

The thing is this i have to shift my thoughts to my blog. So what is this for? It is my personal online journal of what i think of what my life is of what i beleived of whatever tht matters to me to my childrens what concerns me blah blah so this is mine. Opinions are welcome and pls mind my manners when i say some words that is too harsh to handle. Oh tht reminds me that i need to updte my photo. Oh well still im in love.  

as i said

as i said i really need to do this.
the arguments over american dream are running in my head.
toxic questions beeps on my phone.
and i knew it was saturday, i forgot to turn it into silent mode.
so i check fb, one of the normal thing to do, of perhaps 80% of the people?
buzzed by ARBEEIM, so experia will search for you.
ahhh the rush of everyday these past few weeks.

american dream. the price you have to pay for american dream? how much would that be?
the question is are you willing to pay?
not sourgraping or whatever one may call, but mind you i have been told to see america, i have been told not to see america , and i have been told whats the reality of america, and i have been reading what is going on with america, fifteen years ago and currently. so the question is --- are you willing to pay the price for an american dream? my answer is---  it depends on what kind of american dream you are dreaming, it depends on your status in life, perhaps it will also depend on what your status will be on the land of the free (note FREE!!), and it depends on how are you sucking in the thoughts of the american dream, becuz if its a dream, well im sure its to die for? well for me its not to die for. its like WHY I CLIMB MOUNTAINS? ---> BECAUSE ITS THERE. so its just there. but im sure, it will still be America twenty years from now, where there will be winter wonderland of snow, still there will be singing of star spangled banners, 24 stars on the flag of thems, and yes, still the internet and magazines will be flooded of all the star and people of whos who in america .... and still there will be TNT's, people you think can afford but truly cannot(its just that they are in america! ha!ha!), there will be still be a number of persons who come to america to wipe other people's ass... but cannot wipe off them babies and family's ass ( blunt sorry!), amboy and amgirls, who are born and raised in america, but since education is expensive in america they have to return to where the roots are and and well speaking of my schoolmates who are amboy and amgirls they sometimes comes a bit feeling superior but truely an idiot. its not just in america, i think...
i have my own american dream. so enough.

the toxicity of annoying beep of the phone during weekends.
or the toxicity of one or few person's messages. that i dare not reply.

the toxicity of weighing down what is supposed to be....
 you see every saturday, princess has her ballet class 9 to 10am, have to open the cafe at 9... so we were running so late, have to ask her lola to look after her and ask my brother in law if he could drive them both, and have to talk to princess trying to let her know that Nanay cannot be with her today at the ballet, but lola will be there, my beautiful princess just answers OKAY... but sad to say i am not.
  why?
           its just a matter of one hour, and that she is far more important than the cafe ... right???
      but i let it pass, i let her lola and my brother in law do one of the most important thing to do -- that i should have done. --- outcome? princess did not do well today in her ballet practice, according to my brother in law. i feel sad and guilt is deep. lesson learned. next saturday, nanay will be with you princess dear. i♥u.
and have to catch up with duke. i♥u duke. :D you both makes my day and you two are what i look forward too .... i♥u both!..
           
so to break my mind from thinking and feeling bad . as in bad ass mother i am. clicked and went to my so called review officer site. CNET, so the reviews - - - that ARBEEIM is waiting.
as a super agwantista kind of person. i myself buy my gadgets in like many million deep thoughts and reviews and lots of why's, what about, cost and etc etc etc .... it all boils down sometimes not getting one as my last line would be INDI MAN KO MAANU KUNG WALA.
so xperia i read..... and touched at the mall (bleeeh! sa atrium lang galing... wahahah!)
 so my review based on what i read too and some personal conviction in buying. (chos!)
   1. user friendly design ( which i thought only nokia can offer)
   2. brilliant display, (almost falling love!)
   3. fast over all perfromance... taking pics with face recognition ha @ 8.1mp and can take HD video and viewing it @ 4" display...top that...(now im thinking -- my phone's retiring!!! gotta have this xperia!!!!)
   4. call and data transmission --- 1 to 5 rating is 3.5 ♥
   5. sleek design as it contours my palm.

BUT!!!
   1. the sleek design that contours my hand is of no! no! when it lands on the table it wobbles. yay! minimal.
   2. according to those comp geeks, interface is soo late. its like windows 2003 when its already windows 2007.  its user interface ( they call it!) is android 1.6 ( according to wiki,  it is based on Linux kernel  and was released on 9.15.2009 ---- so gung-an na ini kung ang technology ang paga istoryahan! kag ang xperia x10 gadalagan sa android 1.6.
   3. TE may 3.1 na subong....
(but if you are not so techie with gadgets and your use is for simply sleek of design, the handy of having a android phone and not having to bring alppy with you to view your emails and fbs and tweets, and you can have your messaging and call at the perfromance of hmmm PEAK? well these BUT will be just fine)
 but if these BUT is not fine... well i tell you... 3years from now what is still important is communication. and what is on the top is FREE TEXT MESSAGING, and UN-INTERRUPTED CALLS.....
the end money is not an issue, unit is not an issue also. but the thing that matters is... ANU GUID BALA ANG IMO GUSTO MATABO>>>> oh di bla???
  gsakit ulo ko ah....

te you decide. :) goodluck and God bless...
ang pinaka importante amu pa guid ni ay ---->as long as you can communicate with me and to the people - - the kind of phone that you use does not matter - :D
    "the socialness and ka-sosyalan of the society, sometimes eats our very deep sense of existence"

missing years.

dreamt of you
you were so close
touch your face
looking at me
holds my hand so tight
whispering to me
"i missed you!'
tears in my eyes swell
know its been long
missing you too
wished i had that chance
did you wished that chance too?
i can only guess.....

02.14.2011

aight! its the 14th of feb. 2011
im quite giggly for the reason of nothing. nyahah!
but i honest its nothing. im just maybe loving the idea of seeing those sweethearts, couples, lover dudes, even those exes who meet and you know for all times sake gets together and as if or so pretend just to pretend that they are fine but technically they are not. happy valentines day! yipppeeee! a bloddy mary for you if i could just have one bottle or even a shot of mojitos for tonight... but hmmm i think im not gonna have one... buwhahaha!!!!

but again still happy valentines.
i have thought of way past five years ago or four years ago... i started my so called travel ... thus the travel for the purpose of finding my self.
and so i did.
i spent my whole week (was it?) at the seminary.
new to the place then but i was so happy to move around.
wait for friends. at the end of the day eat live and tried to be merry... i was at the peak of crazyness ever!
but i was happy that those people i end up with are truly a God's special creation for me.. to help me and perhaps others too... they are of diff attitudes and manners. but they are super to me.. they helped me touch my ground and hugs myself like myself.... that everything is gonna be okey. that in everything that i do i put love unto it and with whole hearts i have to open to all the possibilities... from iloilo to their place i have them closed in my heart... few but yes dependable super! malayo man or malapit i know we are always there for each other.
and so here's to you people who made me whole...
my life today won't be this great if not for you people. i love you and im missing you!.....

peace -- - fullness

anhun mo ang kalinong sg palibot mo kung ang paminsarun mo indi malinong. anhun mo ang kalinong sg palibot mo kung ang tawo mismo wala sg kalinungan? . . .

how can you set an example when you are in an environment that cannot give a good example???

have you heard of a daughter cursing her own mother?

thanking her mother because her mother carried her for the 9 months ???

and now.. what cursing her mother to the extent that it would look as if she is not borne by her mother?

its just like digging your own grave.... bad curse anyone not your mother. you are your mother's daughter. but then i cannot blame you either if you do since your mother does that too im presume. a mango tree cannot bear a chico. toink! what an example. but its true... you are a fruit of a Averrhoa bilimbi tree.. maaslom! wahahah kabalo ka sina?? ako bag-o lng IBA na nee.. super maaslom kag may aplod... amu ka sina.. ma aplod!

i may have my own episode with my mother but i never cursed my mother .. in fact i seek the attention of my brothers and plea to them, of course i am but a child whom forever i know i am going to need my mother ....

i pray that my son and my daughter, when they grow up they will be of good breeding. :) that they will always seek what is right and that respect will always be a protocol.....

solitude.

1st day... just me and kids...

2nd day just me and kids

3rd day just me and kids

4th day ust me and kids

there were times in my days of my solitudeness to myself... trying to internalize more deeply of what reality is for me now.. as it sinks, as it slowly unfolds...

and all over again i kept on asking me self..

is this really what i want to happen?

is this what we have agreed before?...

is this where everything start?..

is this the mystery that is being wanted by so many?

the feeling is overwhelming since i get to stand into that situation, its like its all around me and all i could do is accept it but part of me says no... part of me i have to embrace it...

and all my answer was just like a mere smoke that floats... i don't want to accept that changes those realities those face that changes and what i have been believing what is that.. what is to be .... what is becoming of me...

yes it made me more of a better person, its not a question of my faith, for i know that he is always there and i know that he gives me more of my freedom to choose and his love for me is endless, undying, amazingly felt and greatly appreciated. i have seen more the bitter side of life, seen and felt what it feels like.

been in between hiccups and sobs, been in both worlds, been felt life and death, gave birth, felt the pain that no one could ever explain. felt the happiness no one ever experienced, for my pain, my sufferings, my happiness is not the same as the others.. and so i know you don't understand a thing... and so you end up letting it go.. letting it float

letting it it just fade away. but there are times that i would want to give up, but no, i now live not for myself anymore but for them-- my daughter and my son... they are what i am living for, whatever i am doing is for them, whatever i am fighting for is for them. if i may have been stupid... might as well be stupid for them my kids, not for others.

and so i guess its really really reality...

its not perfect, i may say it is .... but really its not perfect. who ever managed to say it is.. well i think its time to wake up and face the reality, since my children aren't in the world of make believe... they grow and what they see what they hear.. si what they will be absorbing... and thats what they are going to believe... thus enters my fears....

but no matter what.. i will be there for them.

ouch headache.....

no one lives alone. somebody needs someone. someone needs one. one needs God... God loves everyone.

just buzzing in!

at some point in one's life, one got to.. i mean just got to think a lot of the situation.. situational analysis? whatever.

and so i did. 1.30am, while suppose to finish the remaining ten invites that is due monday, but will beg for it to be delivered on the night of monday ... and that is deadline already. ha!the dealine was already dead i think it was suppose to be done .. nahhh... brush it off... it adds to the insanity of me.

back to the the analysis.

oh mean.. what was that again?

hmppf! poof.. i think i need to write me mom and me sister a letter, that would be great, will have to do that in betweens, yup and its going to be situations. i know me mom will be a better solution for such situations. but im pretty sure well everythings gonna be different, just taking some point of views, some nicely points.. and well perhaps that would ease a little bit of my situation. or maybe the situation i shove my ass into and the kids. but anyway the rest is okey, it just that at some point the more i have thought about it and have drawn a big line in between what's better and not, drawing the line comparing the reality of it all and yeah the difference. thats it. but as of the moment i can't seem to do anything about it, yes i can do something about it but it entails a lot of everything.. part of me would be my world. my everything. my all. and so i bet on my being. sister knows that my being is at stake. the situation is when one is in a wild environment... hmmm lots of things, for quite some time i have been thinking... my kids being are the one at stake. i can compromise but not my children ... because they are growing up. and i know they need me, they need their father, ... sometimes i do.. yes i do what other bitches do.. (please im referring to not the real bitch but to the idea of bitching around! - - walang paki-alam!) well thanks to you hubby ... you did great in making me your minion. oomph! its like im in the world of full people but i care not to see you all.... the hotel california. yay!... and its all comin' back t me, realizing the psyche... was i a psychologist in my past?.. i bet not. i am the daughter of my father and my mother.. who build and nurture my capability to endure, to really savor the moment, that everything is goin' to be fine, that this is just the icing on the cake of what real life is... what really is that real life? what really is the outer world?.. what is that really their saying of WHEN YOUR OUT IN THE WORLD? well i think its being IN ... all the feelings all the actions all the activities all that surrounds you and waiting patienly, for you to discover and do something great about it... my out in the world maybe my family.. my so called kids.. because im still in awe of .. (looking at my princess and duke...) how in the world did i popped you one by one in this crazy world? and then all are ironed, out my freckles are gone and my soon to be wrinkled poofed out burned out face are gone!.. because i so remembered the first time i saw them ..... out of me. that is my picture of peace and for being grateful for whatever that God has given me and will be given me ( yeah!) whatever would that be.. with open arms.. . that after that i cannot just lie there and let those vials of medicine drowse me off to sleep... noooo.. now i know why... i want them i need them they need me too... this is it... the reality of mother hood is sinking in, the so called married life is upon me already.. i have been acting about it but this is it. this the reality that soon would seep down my veins... I AM A MOTHER AND A WIFE.... i bet i still don't feel like nagging... ha! change the concept of wife / mother as the one who nags...please.. i am trying my best not to ... but how will i know?... i look for my center. i look inside ... thank You for always guiding me,... thank You for always embracing me. thank you for taking care of me.. thank You for all the best that came my way and for the not best who made me strong.... ZzzzzZZZzzzz...

ATTITUDE 101

attention, this is in okray mode and i am furious. sorry but i know this will perhaps hurt. and im pretty sure im into war.

1. please bear in your mind that indi tanan imo ti-un, indi tanan nga gusto mo matabo matabo, kag indi ang tanan pwede kag available all the time.

2. please lang have a decency to ask permission. much better to be of a bother rather than to be an annoying sneaky one -- well that sounds a bit nice no? sneaky?... well ari hu masakit - daw sa makawat ka nga ga sneak ikaw....

3. please watch your manners, if you don't know what that is then i think you're going to ahve problem all your life.

4. please have manners when you eat .. stop making that slurpy sound... its so yucky.

5. please eat only what you can afford and can eat.... oops or is that really your kind of style...

6. stop whining over how have you been, or what was you childhood like. nobody cares anyway.

7. stop giving us all the stress that your work gives you, if you don't like the job then quit. if you cannot handle pressure then quit. since you cannot handle anything under any pressure, as you are only working in a company and you do not own the company and you are in no position of telling them that its your style... well again please quit.

8. please teach the people around you especially the one close to you or is it close? to please have some manners too, or maybe you haven't seen that since you think that too for yourself that is OKAY.. well i tell you fag! its not okay.... ha!

9. im no perfect but im trying to be and i accept any faults i have.

10. i cannot say i don't like person, its just becuz they don't give me a smile back, or just becuz she/he is not my type, or just for the sake of liking or feeling... becuz if i ccould be having thaat kind of criteria i bet you are the number one on my list. i don't like you because sarampagak ka. period.

11. stop acting as if you saved the world.

12. do not expect that all the people will like you instantly.

13. please stop including yourself ALWAYS in the conversation you are not invited into.

14. you cannot make always an example of yourself.

15. anu ka bah insecure bitch? or kulang sa pansin?

some of these 101's are a reminder to me too, sometimes i do some things too, im no perfect it just happen that i get pretty pretty annoyed with your doings.

what the hell in the world would i describe you? sungak-sungak? dalok-dalok? dahak-dahak? nagutman? langka-langka? baboy-baboy? takal-takal? have you noticed?... its all repeated?.. well it suppose to be repeated. abnormal b!

please even the less fortunate ones even the boy in the slum area and the little girl in a pile of garbage would have decency to ask for food, they annoy mo but hey i think they are much better since they have asked, ahh they have much more manners than you. i don;t care what f-word your going to say after these, but hey I THINK I HAVE TOO MUCH... hahah

aha? are you talking back at me?.. well here's my answer if i could i would. he knows the real score anyway. so whats is your score? dumbo assed?...

snap! snap! snap! please .... snap! snap! snap! please....

no wonder.... snap! snap! snap!

realization 101

1. do not cook sunny side up eggs when you are thinking of why you not cookin' eggs the way she is. it makes your eggs perfectly nut sunny....

2. shouting off the okryas for that day over FB is cool becuz i can throw it all out in the net without hurting someone... haighti!!!

3. herbie hancock's music is cool.

4. missed my friends more, its like we are now in a diff level... level up na...

5. motherhoods gives you this; the ability to think and forgive often and gets excited at just about anything, and then take much pleasure in just about anything that comes their way, enjoys so much even for just a little while, forgives everyone, but gives wrath to those who step on her but with proper care and finesse, knows that there are answer to just ab out anything... and that in life motherhood's motto should be DON'T GIVE UP....

6. and gets hurt most of the time, still can be in poised to take it all inside and look at them precious ones and all fades away....

.....