peace -- - fullness

anhun mo ang kalinong sg palibot mo kung ang paminsarun mo indi malinong. anhun mo ang kalinong sg palibot mo kung ang tawo mismo wala sg kalinungan? . . .

how can you set an example when you are in an environment that cannot give a good example???

have you heard of a daughter cursing her own mother?

thanking her mother because her mother carried her for the 9 months ???

and now.. what cursing her mother to the extent that it would look as if she is not borne by her mother?

its just like digging your own grave.... bad curse anyone not your mother. you are your mother's daughter. but then i cannot blame you either if you do since your mother does that too im presume. a mango tree cannot bear a chico. toink! what an example. but its true... you are a fruit of a Averrhoa bilimbi tree.. maaslom! wahahah kabalo ka sina?? ako bag-o lng IBA na nee.. super maaslom kag may aplod... amu ka sina.. ma aplod!

i may have my own episode with my mother but i never cursed my mother .. in fact i seek the attention of my brothers and plea to them, of course i am but a child whom forever i know i am going to need my mother ....

i pray that my son and my daughter, when they grow up they will be of good breeding. :) that they will always seek what is right and that respect will always be a protocol.....

solitude.

1st day... just me and kids...

2nd day just me and kids

3rd day just me and kids

4th day ust me and kids

there were times in my days of my solitudeness to myself... trying to internalize more deeply of what reality is for me now.. as it sinks, as it slowly unfolds...

and all over again i kept on asking me self..

is this really what i want to happen?

is this what we have agreed before?...

is this where everything start?..

is this the mystery that is being wanted by so many?

the feeling is overwhelming since i get to stand into that situation, its like its all around me and all i could do is accept it but part of me says no... part of me i have to embrace it...

and all my answer was just like a mere smoke that floats... i don't want to accept that changes those realities those face that changes and what i have been believing what is that.. what is to be .... what is becoming of me...

yes it made me more of a better person, its not a question of my faith, for i know that he is always there and i know that he gives me more of my freedom to choose and his love for me is endless, undying, amazingly felt and greatly appreciated. i have seen more the bitter side of life, seen and felt what it feels like.

been in between hiccups and sobs, been in both worlds, been felt life and death, gave birth, felt the pain that no one could ever explain. felt the happiness no one ever experienced, for my pain, my sufferings, my happiness is not the same as the others.. and so i know you don't understand a thing... and so you end up letting it go.. letting it float

letting it it just fade away. but there are times that i would want to give up, but no, i now live not for myself anymore but for them-- my daughter and my son... they are what i am living for, whatever i am doing is for them, whatever i am fighting for is for them. if i may have been stupid... might as well be stupid for them my kids, not for others.

and so i guess its really really reality...

its not perfect, i may say it is .... but really its not perfect. who ever managed to say it is.. well i think its time to wake up and face the reality, since my children aren't in the world of make believe... they grow and what they see what they hear.. si what they will be absorbing... and thats what they are going to believe... thus enters my fears....

but no matter what.. i will be there for them.

ouch headache.....

no one lives alone. somebody needs someone. someone needs one. one needs God... God loves everyone.

just buzzing in!

at some point in one's life, one got to.. i mean just got to think a lot of the situation.. situational analysis? whatever.

and so i did. 1.30am, while suppose to finish the remaining ten invites that is due monday, but will beg for it to be delivered on the night of monday ... and that is deadline already. ha!the dealine was already dead i think it was suppose to be done .. nahhh... brush it off... it adds to the insanity of me.

back to the the analysis.

oh mean.. what was that again?

hmppf! poof.. i think i need to write me mom and me sister a letter, that would be great, will have to do that in betweens, yup and its going to be situations. i know me mom will be a better solution for such situations. but im pretty sure well everythings gonna be different, just taking some point of views, some nicely points.. and well perhaps that would ease a little bit of my situation. or maybe the situation i shove my ass into and the kids. but anyway the rest is okey, it just that at some point the more i have thought about it and have drawn a big line in between what's better and not, drawing the line comparing the reality of it all and yeah the difference. thats it. but as of the moment i can't seem to do anything about it, yes i can do something about it but it entails a lot of everything.. part of me would be my world. my everything. my all. and so i bet on my being. sister knows that my being is at stake. the situation is when one is in a wild environment... hmmm lots of things, for quite some time i have been thinking... my kids being are the one at stake. i can compromise but not my children ... because they are growing up. and i know they need me, they need their father, ... sometimes i do.. yes i do what other bitches do.. (please im referring to not the real bitch but to the idea of bitching around! - - walang paki-alam!) well thanks to you hubby ... you did great in making me your minion. oomph! its like im in the world of full people but i care not to see you all.... the hotel california. yay!... and its all comin' back t me, realizing the psyche... was i a psychologist in my past?.. i bet not. i am the daughter of my father and my mother.. who build and nurture my capability to endure, to really savor the moment, that everything is goin' to be fine, that this is just the icing on the cake of what real life is... what really is that real life? what really is the outer world?.. what is that really their saying of WHEN YOUR OUT IN THE WORLD? well i think its being IN ... all the feelings all the actions all the activities all that surrounds you and waiting patienly, for you to discover and do something great about it... my out in the world maybe my family.. my so called kids.. because im still in awe of .. (looking at my princess and duke...) how in the world did i popped you one by one in this crazy world? and then all are ironed, out my freckles are gone and my soon to be wrinkled poofed out burned out face are gone!.. because i so remembered the first time i saw them ..... out of me. that is my picture of peace and for being grateful for whatever that God has given me and will be given me ( yeah!) whatever would that be.. with open arms.. . that after that i cannot just lie there and let those vials of medicine drowse me off to sleep... noooo.. now i know why... i want them i need them they need me too... this is it... the reality of mother hood is sinking in, the so called married life is upon me already.. i have been acting about it but this is it. this the reality that soon would seep down my veins... I AM A MOTHER AND A WIFE.... i bet i still don't feel like nagging... ha! change the concept of wife / mother as the one who nags...please.. i am trying my best not to ... but how will i know?... i look for my center. i look inside ... thank You for always guiding me,... thank You for always embracing me. thank you for taking care of me.. thank You for all the best that came my way and for the not best who made me strong.... ZzzzzZZZzzzz...

ATTITUDE 101

attention, this is in okray mode and i am furious. sorry but i know this will perhaps hurt. and im pretty sure im into war.

1. please bear in your mind that indi tanan imo ti-un, indi tanan nga gusto mo matabo matabo, kag indi ang tanan pwede kag available all the time.

2. please lang have a decency to ask permission. much better to be of a bother rather than to be an annoying sneaky one -- well that sounds a bit nice no? sneaky?... well ari hu masakit - daw sa makawat ka nga ga sneak ikaw....

3. please watch your manners, if you don't know what that is then i think you're going to ahve problem all your life.

4. please have manners when you eat .. stop making that slurpy sound... its so yucky.

5. please eat only what you can afford and can eat.... oops or is that really your kind of style...

6. stop whining over how have you been, or what was you childhood like. nobody cares anyway.

7. stop giving us all the stress that your work gives you, if you don't like the job then quit. if you cannot handle pressure then quit. since you cannot handle anything under any pressure, as you are only working in a company and you do not own the company and you are in no position of telling them that its your style... well again please quit.

8. please teach the people around you especially the one close to you or is it close? to please have some manners too, or maybe you haven't seen that since you think that too for yourself that is OKAY.. well i tell you fag! its not okay.... ha!

9. im no perfect but im trying to be and i accept any faults i have.

10. i cannot say i don't like person, its just becuz they don't give me a smile back, or just becuz she/he is not my type, or just for the sake of liking or feeling... becuz if i ccould be having thaat kind of criteria i bet you are the number one on my list. i don't like you because sarampagak ka. period.

11. stop acting as if you saved the world.

12. do not expect that all the people will like you instantly.

13. please stop including yourself ALWAYS in the conversation you are not invited into.

14. you cannot make always an example of yourself.

15. anu ka bah insecure bitch? or kulang sa pansin?

some of these 101's are a reminder to me too, sometimes i do some things too, im no perfect it just happen that i get pretty pretty annoyed with your doings.

what the hell in the world would i describe you? sungak-sungak? dalok-dalok? dahak-dahak? nagutman? langka-langka? baboy-baboy? takal-takal? have you noticed?... its all repeated?.. well it suppose to be repeated. abnormal b!

please even the less fortunate ones even the boy in the slum area and the little girl in a pile of garbage would have decency to ask for food, they annoy mo but hey i think they are much better since they have asked, ahh they have much more manners than you. i don;t care what f-word your going to say after these, but hey I THINK I HAVE TOO MUCH... hahah

aha? are you talking back at me?.. well here's my answer if i could i would. he knows the real score anyway. so whats is your score? dumbo assed?...

snap! snap! snap! please .... snap! snap! snap! please....

no wonder.... snap! snap! snap!

realization 101

1. do not cook sunny side up eggs when you are thinking of why you not cookin' eggs the way she is. it makes your eggs perfectly nut sunny....

2. shouting off the okryas for that day over FB is cool becuz i can throw it all out in the net without hurting someone... haighti!!!

3. herbie hancock's music is cool.

4. missed my friends more, its like we are now in a diff level... level up na...

5. motherhoods gives you this; the ability to think and forgive often and gets excited at just about anything, and then take much pleasure in just about anything that comes their way, enjoys so much even for just a little while, forgives everyone, but gives wrath to those who step on her but with proper care and finesse, knows that there are answer to just ab out anything... and that in life motherhood's motto should be DON'T GIVE UP....

6. and gets hurt most of the time, still can be in poised to take it all inside and look at them precious ones and all fades away....

.....

Yah Man...

-was singin' the whole day Lucky.,... those lyrics hits me just so right in time...-

and was just hitting the note when.. all of a sudden a headache came throbbing in.....

that leaning to your shoulders really made me felt good.

really made me feel more of a better person

i dunno why it makes me feel that way

it never felt so good... it was better..

the more i think about it

the more thoughts came rushing in

it never felt good... it was better

life had been such great until you came

you made it clearer that life is far greater that what i thought it seem

you who knows no bounds

only possibilities

- - - -

and so there goes the "And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you each one a line or two"

im fine babe, im fine... and i miss you big time.. :)

i know you love me!

XOXO

akun nga namutikan

What a Child Learns 

If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn. 

  If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. 

 If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.  

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.  

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. 

 If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.  

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.  

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.  

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. 

 If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. 

 If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

 He learns to find love in the world. 

madamu ako sg mga bata nga nakita, nasalamuha kag ang iban akun nga guin palangga kag ang iban akun man nga gina sumpa.

of shoes and shoes...

bff asked me what i want... humayged. the hardest part is that when your bff asks you what you want.. and you can't just bite yer lip ... and so as much as i don't want to sound so obvious of me wanting to get a new shoes and that would be like splurging my budget for the whole year(for the whole year now since when i was a single young and very travel fun i get me self often a shoes.... )my bff asked me.. ha!.... medyo pa shy shy pa infairness daw ma anu na ako... hahahah esp coming from bff.. i don't want to be a bit of a hassle .. but he asked and i bet he insisted. hahahah .... still i know the bottom end of whatevers and everything that comes along the way i know i miss him. and ima want to hugs 'em tight.... and so i just can't ignore this blog entry of the feeling of being asked of what i want and what i am feelin' along the lines of what i call addiction ... my past addiction.... never thought of them my bffs are my addiction. and it feels like singin' soul sister by train....

2:53pmBFF

musta

2:53pmMe

ari ga hinalit sg oras para maka rami

2:53pmBFF

hai ano ipasallubong ko simo bay

2:53pmMe

hahahha

xcited to see you 'bff.. :P

2:54pmBFF

ari ko vancouver

2:54pmMe

whatever that rings in yer head that you have thought of me.... toinks!

2:55pmBFF

hmmmmm

esep esep

2:56pmMe

but let me know first... hahah basi lainlain inah.... hahahah

what i mean of kung anu anu da bla haw... hahahah

2:56pmBFF

gani let me know na lang

2:56pmMe

hahahaha

ha! your call ah.. :)

2:57pmBFF

burloloy? food? clothing? Shelter?

2:58pmMe

ha!... burloloy clothing .. shelter????? aint' that a bit exp??

hehehe

burloloy or clothing na alng ah... shelter is wayyyy hahaha

2:59pmBFF

anong size sa clothing?

3:00pmMe

sapatos na lng bala... hahahaha kay daw dyahe guid ang clothing.... hehehehe

mangkot mangkot ka ari mo ay.... :))

3:00pmBFF

ano size?

3:01pmMe

US-8.5 -- preferably wedge. :)

hahahaha

3:01pmBFF

ano inang wedge?

ang ending i end up dreaming of my wedges....

amu ni hu.... te pili-a lang... kung di mo mkita te basta daw sa muni sya hu.... and im sure you chose well man for me ah... :))

michael kors

nine west PONTI

michael kors

jessica simpson FRIDA

my princess... my duke...

now a certified 2year old and i enrolled her in a toddler school, so that she could be more interactive with persons her age and yeah be sociable, to develop her speech and her skills to be discover and whatever pa guid nga nadumduman ko while thinking about her in the middle of the night sometime march after i delivered her baby brother, yeah she looks like a three year old kid, and she is very picky when it comes to people that surrounds her...
last week of last month she was admitted to the hospital for the case of bronchopneumonia, where i have to be with her and help her cope with lots of nurses and IV's and meds that she underwent. but then enough with that kinda traumatic time to her, na amuse ako sa iya kay i never remembered myself when i was young like sg toddler days ko nga kikay ako kay im sure brusko ako ya sg una and i do UFC na.. well she does UFC too but not like her to love ribbons and beads and pearls and bangles and nice shoes and dress and do nail polish...

and now that her younger brother is 5months old, of course I cannot deny some occasional hurts coming her way but im sure its her way of loving her baby brother, since she is still a baby herself, it melts my heart to think that soon they'll grow up and will be having what they have... ahh too early to think about it.. Duke is a happy baby too, same with her big sissy, a big boy for a 5month.. well perhaps there goes the genes... at his age now he shows some nice signs of which i cannot reveal since i might be tagged or i might got the signal wrong.. but here's one thing im sure of them both... they are my precious ones forever my kids.. and always be loved....

isn't that ironic? (the thinker's think)

in the car going to shop.
i smiled, thought of some situations in life that is kinda crooked to think ... or i thought so it would be.
let alone my mind play. and so i smiled. funny. very very funny.
how many of us women, especially a wife.. a housewife, an employed wife, perhaps a wife of wealthy man. a mother.
ah woman who has children and a husband or yeah just a woman who has children. perhaps goes to a man who has children too. or a person who has to take care of someone.

my smile started when conversation starts with getting a nanny/house helper ( a room helper perhaps is the most appropriate)

battle inside the brain. yes i need a helper. being selfish. a selfish mom. i thought.

i have two kids. one is turning two few months from now and the little one is only 3months old.
yes i have a what do you call that partner?.. nohhhh a husband. a beautiful husband. a very very very beautiful husband. ha! he is.. he got long hair.. vainer than me i think. hahaha!

so getting a room helper / nanny - - why get 'em?..
have to attend to the biz where my hubby gets our bread and butter.
so kids will be left to her.
funny i said. why?.. becuz i have to pay her to be with my daughter and son, while im almost whole day at work. or facebooking at the office or blogging to my hearts content blowing my eyes off and drool over amazon or... taking the funny walk when something gets in my head. perhaps a hot air.
and so i pay them. one for my daughter and one for my son, both of them will share the work to clean the room as i expected, wash our laundry while the kids are asleep.. entertain them, perhaps teach them proper manners too and how i want them to be raised. and i get to work or have to accompany my hubby. reality bites. i cannot have the excuse of being absent or dilly dallying or how may it look like when im enjoying my kids, when im wanting to be with them.
of course i needed time for me self and thus the shout of superfriends are always on top whenever one is calling in. they are my excuse to reality, but enough with them becuz they are too awesome to describe. back to the helper.

so i pay. yes i will pay. adds up to the budget. adds up to being tic tac toe with dealing with them, since husband well makes a little bit complicated sometimes to me... have to talk to me and will convey it to the helper. funny but i don't know if that is really an attachment of being a wife middle-wife.. hahahah middle-wife thats it... ha! why can't they go directly to the helper? hmm its like a business no?... when the manager is not satisfied with the work he gets angry with the supervisor gets angry with the subordinates. yikes!
and i pay the helper. but that is business its not kids.. biz does not feel, does not needing.. is not human.
funny more indeed is that. i pay the helper. but i don't get paid being a wife. being a mother.
and so i learned that being a wife and a mother is priceless. ha ha ha ha....
or maybe it is just happening to me.
and so i was asked what if i get me self employed?... as in really employed in a company or employed with a 8hours day job or night perhaps and then just having that weekends with my kids. still i get to pay the helper.
funny .... very very funny. i pay helper to look after my kids.
will my kids pay for a kid for me to be busied with like me looking after that kid which is being paid for by my kid .. getting even perhaps...
as of the moment i am very very upset with a very very open mind over the issue.
that i have to blog it down for more clarity. becuz as of the moment i cannot .. well accept the consequences becuz i fear negative consequences. because i think it entails one.
i dunno if husband sees what i am seeing, priority in me is the well being of my kids. thier view of life and life ahead and everything depends on us. on me. not on the helper. the person i pay to look after my kids. and so the feeling of being envy over the helper being chosen by my daughter over me when i want her to be mine. is hurting me. i admit i am hurt.

my dear daughter if only you know how i struggle with that. that every time i look at you sleeping, contented with your happy day, i envy the helper for being with you the whole day...

this could be my sentence when she gets a little bit older if she asks me... how she is when she was ....

the issue of the helper. my issue of being a mother. of a wife. a wife of a man who has biz to attend to, that the priority is how to be of help in the biz (whole day) and being away from kids.
oh yeah that issue can be twisted, my time is flexible becuz he owns the biz. ha! if that is the case why hire and get a headache and work as much to pay one?...


the issue is .... kids growing up with helper.

maybe bec he doesn't want to be bothered by 'em when he goes to work in the morning that and gets home too tired from work?... help me out bec thats how i see it. hmmm more time over techie robots .... have i ever thought of computing time spent with them?.....
during weekends, when helper is looking after kids i cook, i clean, perhaps wash laundry, or doing something for the husband ( clear your mind off with the thing! that is not included!) or plain and simply doing my duty as a wife as a mother.
but hey really!!! how many hours do i spend with them?.. quality time.... what really is quality time?... im getting confused. ....
again the question....

do i need to pay for a person to look after my children...
hmmmm im not the one paying after all its my husband. but.

what!!!!! a slap on my face. she gets paid for doing that?.. and when did being a mother, a wife get paid?...
and so the song goes... round and round and round....

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

isn't that ironic?...
singin my heart out over that ironic thing is wanting me a cigarette to blow it down... hahahah... bad bad bad ....