15minutes

saturday - - yes was at roxas
sunday - - spent the time with brothers and kids... picture taking galore... i enjoyed the idea but when i saw the chipped part of the lens .. ahhhhrggg... sell and buy a new one.. thats the best soution... instead of buying the lens for 25thousand...
i duuno if that will do.
monday... had lunch with my ninang after 28 years okey we meet and she's soo cool... single... and a practicing doctor at LA -- so yes she has been staying at US and hmm i never thought they own the cabalum western college.. arghh!! ok we meet and updates... haaa... and then wedding.... arggghhhhh
then now in front of pc... check the others blog and then start me blog...
i miss and kinda ups and down my moods are ...
1... i should not be talking and thinking about the other.
2. that i have to set me self in not to expect.
3. if i know that i will be frustrated over someone's idea of lots lots lots of reasons as to why it wasn't and cannot be done.. or simple idea of doesn't care or the idea of " whatever".. no concern or how to freakin' lend a hand even not asked for... HAVE TO DO IT ON MY OWN - to not to feel the hurt and being not heard.
4. i miss again.
5. yeheeeyyyy i got a hug and kiss on my forehead yesterday..... i love you papa! mising you!!!
6. then i again i still want to ahve the nice quiet and a moment of conversation with you. ehehehe
7. the picture idea of bf....
8. kids makes me crazy.... its like the ffeling of sobs between hiccups... duh! how can i do that!
9. yehaaaa... im going to watch bamboo...... alone?.... huhuhuhu?......
10. i think im going with marie.. marie i love you for going with me... will regi be coming also?
11. shoudl not think of the other.
12. see.... sometimes giving love is a simple act of sheer stupidity... after that you feel wink wnk wink!!! i dunno! intoxicated!
13. if i will wait..... question is how long?
14. holiday?... for me it feels like just a regular holiday...
holiday to me is when i recv a text or a message that after reading it i can stand there and think of nothibng.... and wear a smile.. that i know i am alive and happy... that's holiday....

what i wear on my face?

----- uncontained emotion of life love and relationship......----
i love and then i let go i let go and then im holdin' on im holding on and it seems the other want me to drop the idea...... adn then it again repeats the cycle....

one

i am soo fulfilled.... im am smiling and having this uncontained emotion... call it marilou.. but then i love the feeling.... i love it!
one! somewhere out there....

babies..

thanks to MVG for giving me the thought of babies... its not becuz im so wanting it .. though i cannot hide the idea, yes i would want to -- catch is i could've settled for just having a child and won't even care in having a partner bf or husband you may call it....but then i had the grandeur of talkin' to mi papa while on a long drive back to city, and i was told that that happens to becuz of some circumstances... and everything floats away.... what if i cannot handle the idea of having a husband and then having to take care my family?... OMG.. so i dealt with brainstorming over that idea... summing it up multiplication and then whala! i got to a point that i won't jeopardize my baby's situation.. haaa.. indeed being a mommy and a wife ??? that entails lotsa of great big decision... an that i have to have great or maximus patience and muchos understanding over another human being born out fo me... and then a husband to take care... -- depression stricken me as to question my being of ?... what about me?... ahhhh that entails the idea of selfless love... then i admire mommies around the world.... and hate the stinkin' guts of kids who turn away and not havign tog ie thier mom the real dues that are supposed to be given to them... attention and much of appreciation for what she did, yeah fathers also has some share but that does it after a short eleven minutes of sex?... ahha joke yeah i know my father really wanted me so much.. thats why he never stopped fighting my mom over having sex (my brain is telling me like this!) inorder for me bella theresa to be born... ahahhaah... see wonder why parents fight?... its either lack of sex or the caring attention of mothers.. ahh wonder why fathers have anxiety over the idea of getting married.... maybe like that.. i dunno but maybe thats the conlcusion i get after hours of thinking what lies ahead of me .. takign the road of getting married and start havin' a baby... i could've had the chance of having that baby.. when i wa sin college but then i never thought of ... what if i had?.. shiet! i could've not accepted the idea of my baby not having his fatehr around for his father could be a damn super fuckin' (sorry 'bout that!) one slack male pig! yeah he is pig.. i forgive him. hell to him! ahahah.. and so thanks to MVG for the great big idea and now ic an see mys elf bearing the child of mine sooner like five years from now maybe... happy thoughts.. over the idea of " errrrrrrr""""" arrgggggg! sakittt!!! haahhaah.. or before that .... giving my tummy a stroke.. hey MVG you can do that too.... ahahahahah... joke... i know you're reading this.
and then these are ones and twos and threes...
1. im now roxas ...
2. shared some happy thoughts and happy memeories and shared my new found friend.
3. will be going back with happy thoughts for last night i thought of after a while i have learned that i don't own anything... what i own is only my feelings my emotions... thats what i can only manage... and sometimes i stumble and fall and again.. back to zero..
4. i have to finish the book 11 minutes.
5. sorry harold i have to hoar your pc here at the seminary.
6. my brains bleeds over the idea of future life and what it brings to me, i cannot just simply answer que sera sera
7. go the highlands like where i am right now... in a hill in a semianry... up the fourth floor?... where i can past the trees and enjoy the good serene sound except for the clicking of my fingers through this keyboard.. and plus plus plus... healthy and fresh air.. kay la ko di gani sigarilyo...haiz!
8. guitar is hovering my brain ... gibson or yamaha..???... money money....
9. i have this uncontained and unexplainable feling for now...
10. hope that his duty does intoxicate his ideas in life...
= == what lies beneath my humaness is a being who cares much to the world and wanting to give joy and make life a little bit easier and contentment after all... after all life is -life....

unknown

having all the high hopes
thinkin that everything will click
in a matter of few words
in just a matter of days
i never thought i could be this heart and guilt stricken
but yes, i am so pleased knowing that all the while
my issues over past is coming to an end
and that i have to beleive in some things happen with a reason
that sometimes we do not know, even reasons do not know

and now i succumb to the idea
pondering on robert's thoughts
yes i have to straighten things up
i have to draw the line

but still iw ould want things to end up like
friendhsip that is more essentially fulfilling
thats what my goal in having friendship
even in relationship.

i will be such a hypocrite not to say that i don't admire physically
but hey i know the limitation....

i want what is beyond that...
though plus factor is the physical thing
but still after a while i know a lot of them are not
drawn out of physical attraction to me
call it blind... indeed.. one person sometimes can be too blind
as what st exupery said.... What is essential is invisible to the eye..
so i admire mostly of men/women who could speak their thoughts
speak of what they feel,
speak of thier daily strife
speak of thier daily love and lost
speak of how much uncoantined emotions they have

and then learn from them vice versa they too learn from me
of life love and relationship
thus makes world a little brighter for each other
helping and conveying thoughts
that to others is just a mere foolishness
but the hell with the others
what's important is
how much we love
how much we truly love
and how much we really loved
at the end i am not going to answer to the others
but i know as i beleived i only answer to God

the one who gave me much of love
unceasingly loving me...
loving you
loving us all....

ahhh i need my papa's hug....and a kiss on my forehead!

oist! should've changed my nick into hug hunter! haahha kiss forehead pops!

come across

okey i have been reviewng comments on my blog entries, and then i thought of wow.. is he that so over into me... ?? but so sorry i just can't find it anywhere inside my heart.. but he is good... he talks much of sensible and some essentials in life.. like "It may be true or otherwise. one thing i'm sure of nothing happens for a reason. Perhaps God wants you to do something, only you could do. Yes you are right God is brilliant... but no one could ever phatom God's depths. Otherwise He would cease to be God.""For me, even if you die today or tomorrow doesn't matter. Because it is not how long you live life but it is how you live the life. YOu have touched so many lives including mine. And you are closer to Him than anyone else's outthere. You have done so much at 26. I love you and if you die i will cry. So whatever happens and before anything happens let me tell you this I will always there for you. My soul will search yours, surely.".... eeeehhhhh.... he's long been gone
yes harold, i have to stop this marilou thing.. its just so nice to think that i have fooled him.. joke..
once again ... "I may not be an official visitor but i know i must be part of it, perhaps entirely. It is easy to claim how much love one has for another but it is difficult to manifest it if the one you love is no longer there. I opt to leave not because i didn't love but because i have loved so much to the extent of being oblivious of myself so to speak. i cannot contain the love i have for you and day in and day out it sprouts rapidly like daffodils in winter. this is why i am where i am right now. Let me tell you this, there was never a time when i didn't love you.
barney"......
yayayayayayyyyy!!! yes ahhh love does not end.... but we can be fooled sometimes... crossing my fingers indi lang ko... i have been there like i was used... nahh me not going to mention names here as i cannot get him into troubles, but lately we met but i never dared tried saying hi and hello... action?.... nothing happend, we dont know each other. in the first place he does not deserve to be treated as human to my eyes. he is a one tough dog! that expereinced made me more of a ruthless woman over one pack shiet of a man who makes woman as like a one damp cloth on his kitchen counters. still i admire persons who can speak loudly.. and can speak louder...!!! of what they feel.. even when comes a time they have to think and look back that it wasn't ....

11.20pm

goin' crazy.... my brother is trying to twitch something over his airsoft gun and i was just there taking pictures of me... hahah i join them playing once in a while at the back of our ancestral house in oton, and yes.. that was the rush of blood... the idea of crawling and trying to hide through the bushes and splash me self in a shallow watery part of the so called jungle .... that was fun, mind you i did it.. we won... hahaha! ahhhh war freak!!! and by the way... i feel excited... and then tiresome .. so i have to ask for a moment of full body massage... ahhhh revitalizing... tired... tired becuz i have to rush papers and some reports.. and meet with the attorney ASAP ,.... still im excited hmmmm.. missshuuuuu..
daddy joel called and haa same thing its all about mountain climbing and exploring what's out of the city life., but now i cannot do that anymore. i stopped three years ago. then i was this soo vibrant over caving, mountaineering that i would even go for such like a week of life in the jungles of maasin and exit at alimodian, overnyts to napulak... caving a at dingle, haaa... with deafs and sme volunteers with mountaineers.. and then after i bought me self a bike, a whooping 32thousand .. that time its like " grabitadddd!!!" now its in the other room... after the 45 degree angle stunt i did 4 years ago?... which the doc did a 15 stitch on my chin and a 16 stitch on my arm and a butterfly on my forehead?... hahahaah and jaw breaking experience, and a swollen face?.. damn shiet! i love rides! im addicted to the feeling of wind blowing on my face.. but never a rock and a blood dripping on my head... and then a blood that never stops bleeding on my arms... phew! just had a 30 minutes ride or almost an hour from the city and so excited to go 45degrees downhill at sta barbra, during that ime the proposal pa lang ang airport... then kblag! i souted weeeeeee... boink! ambulance man ko pabalik iloilo.... hay life... and i was told by my brother ha! bionic woman...and then after that i stopped. ..... . whew! one thing that i hated during the time i was in emergency room is that the needles... hate needles... cylocane you call it?.. ahhhh that med... hate the needles still, and then after a few weeks i have to return to get the stiches off.. see MVG take note the intern who tried to get the stitches off my chin and my arms.. was eating a chippy - - funny and irritating things is when she did took the stitches i can smell her fingers like chippy.. so she did not even tried to clean herslef... so i said " are you done with your chippy?" but phew.. cannt blame her due to stress and maybe bullied by other older docs or interns... so i shall forgive her but hey what if it happens to a critical person?... hay naku.... life savers?... candies?... and then funny thing happen is when i was saved by my breasts!!! yes my breast! brownout and i was so wanting to eat talaba at eric's that was 3 years ago too... i end up in a dry manhole.. which bruised my shin... deep... and i was like.. ugh!!! there goes my talaba nights, so i was rushed to my bf's home as he was driving the terrano, which i am the one supposd to be driving, but since i was to lame and to drive that time, so it happend, and then what i hated the most?... again... anti tetanus injection... haaaaaayyyy... called up my friend and told them! " hey did you know that i was again got into like a freak accident?... " i was freakin' save by my breast?" now i have these to thank for.... hahaahah ... and then someone texted me that he is imagining how i kiss... damnit how could he do that?... so physical so i stopped by him by telling him... abi pag decide na para tapos na ang antus mo...ma pari ka guid bla?... hahahaha... so he was stung by my words that led him back to where he belongs.... its 1.48am, mosquito bites! time to rest the nights...
before i sleep let me count them in....
1. hugs and butterfly kisses.
2. hugs and butterfly kisses.
3. miss you partylist.
4. hugs and butterly kisses.
5. im going to roxas.
6. puff puff puff and away.
7. trying to get the chance to make mommy cynch and soon to be a doctor marie a healthy sandwich for a treat.
8. cook another specialty ( new food again!)
9. a hmmmm cocktail drinks? or juice?
10. hugs and butterfly kisses.
11. what no good movies?
12. ahh of life and what goes around... talk?>.. no one to talk muuch about these stuffs lately... chona and the rests are busy with activites...
13... ahhhh i go for the idea of joining me brother for a airsoft
14. hugs?.... anyone?
15. i should be singing a song for you.
16. life
17. hmmmm... nice massage ...
18. i so like to ahve coffee and a very good conversation.. well if you start...
---ends....---

anger mngmt - and something else

that is nice, they took the seminar, i just don't know if papa is one of the participant or facilitator... ehheh miss you papa! miss talkin' sensible things or maybe things that are sesible to me ... just a quiet time ...

whats on my brain.... starting 1.15pm.

woke up 7am, tired of singing my heart out after each blog i made early this morning.

took a bath--- long bath...

then munch on sandwich...

off to see the barangay captain for signature

then off to seminary - - at last nakuha ko na whoooping ten thousand paymnt from disbursed money last saturday for that muslim bling bling seller...

deposit the check, jeepney ride and had all the thoughts of fun fearless happiness and the thought of blog is alive! hahahaha....

and then i felt a sudden urge of " i want to stop here.. like right here in this street!"

so i did.. naug ko jip ah.... tripping lang....

then i smiled... simple things makes me happy, happy thoughts that lingers...
the feeling of having someone whom you don't know much but simply respects my ids, and egos.. heheeh (ids guid yah!) and super ego... ahhh all yes indeed lingers subconsciously... but knowing that it is like a euphoric feeling... the feeling of hmmm uncontained happy emotions.

i have been singing the vivaldi's rain and have known the lyrics' translation ... its cute its like i will recommend this to those who are still looking --
yes papa bert i know i have to heed your words.... " baby hm hmh hmh m na bla... "

goey! im like stuck in the idea of happiness aka cloud nine...
and i am trying to dig in to the feeling of wayback into love... the real score...
what it entails... the reality..... paused for like 2hours....

and then i caught myself - - - with talking soo pleasant... whhhaaat??? yep i did, and you see... and i was told that " kanami sa imo mag talk bla".. well infact struggle guid ako over talking slowly... as i know fully well that i talk fast. and blabber most of the time.... eheheheh especially if im in a hyper mode!

see marie knew that something is going on... hahahaha when she heard that hyper mode is on... hahaah... toinkies! will talk to you about that marie.. aahhhmiisshshuuuu

and then.. i noticed that okey gle mag talk slowly galing to others when i talk slowly they think im kinda BORING! haahah fakelam ko s)(*! i like the idea man at least am getting a little learning each time...

innards turnover! oist! i need blood profile check up and platelet counts and also EKG.. ar i have to get me self log in for doc acosta na lang... and that i have to tell him.. osrry i have been such a bad girl.... doc i like you clinic! eheheh nice music you have... but then my heart skips... not in tuned! eheheheh so i need you to check okey... do some test... just don't make turok turok the injection okey! you know i hate that.... hmmm thinking of " sino kaya pwede OB Gyne?... hmmmm


whhhattt?? no good movies?.... shame on me.... its a wednesday night and no good movies?... helllo you can never caught me watching tagalog movies... much better to watch epic movies like curse of the golden flower! eheheh

and then i come across to this song...and it stayed in my head... oooohhhh.. lss namn ni.... by elton john....
I want love, but it's impossible A man like me, so irresponsible A man like me is dead in places Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold Don't feel nothing, just old scars Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

I want love on my own terms After everything I've ever learned Me, I carry too much baggage Oh man I've seen so much traffic

So bring it on, I've been bruised Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff No sweet romance, I've had enough

--- see this is kind selfish no?... sounds like?... hahaha...
... i want love... actually i need i just need a big great hug from my best friend.. who is in seminar right now still with anger mngmt... huhuhuh

ooopppssss.. time flies so fast.... have to scoot... let me think... see you later blogger tonight.... hehehe

could it be.

ahh yes even a person committed need someone to talk to other than bf/gf.
picture this.. in abench, not talking. but just sitting beside each other... corny but yes i think i like that, especially when best shared with a friend. someone who understand thoughts without saying any word.
okey.
you have been in my thughts all the while
you who i see from a far
you whom i thought i would never give a smile

you who have been storming my brain
you the person i cannot see
'tis you again whom i know i long to see

ahh you.. you make me feel brand new.. eng! curve side!

its you i wanted to ask.. can i be your friend?
lame of me not to ask what are we here for
is this a coincedence?
ahhhh pinch pinch pinch
think think think
are you destined for this... look at you...
you have to go back to your bed, read the book and that will help you sleep...
stop looking at yourslef at the mirror and
blog! gdnyt! ahh life ----
when you can't get enough sleep.. the twitching in your brain is so intense.
too much sleep?... brain freeze! boing!

hearing from you?.... sleep!

--- this is what late night coffee and puffs.. does!

i just don't get it.

questions in my brain
that shall be answered by my heart
uncontained emotions and pain
all i know my heart will just skip and that will be a treat

a treat to me doctor and then he'll tell me... MVP again
ahay.. im killing myself in squizzing out what i really felt for now.
i just can't make it.
go for numbers and dots.

1. its 2.09am, im not yet sleepy.
2. will have to finsih reading eleven minutes
3. best line read to day is " life moves very fast, it rushes us in heaven to hell in amtter of seconds" thats from maria ... in PC's eleven mnutes.
4. yeah call me late bloomer with paolo coelho, but the deal is like i still love blog reading.
5. hmm i miss my hugs.
6. charlotte church entertains my ear.
7. yup good music heals my subdued feelings.
8. hala ... la pa ko watch movie... oh yea bourne ultimatum i did.
9. will watch heffalumps again.
10. i love jacky chan's ads over credit card.
11. still my nail polish is black
12. hmmm may pimple ako!!
13. bimbim cuteee can you be my youner bro.. that i never had?
14. harold i miss you
15. robert i miss you
16. lenj i miss you( but will be seeing you with bamboo!!!)
17. sister... you know youa re badly needed by me.
18. i wanted to do something before doing something. and that i want to have agood conversation!
19. miss na food ?.. nino's pizza
20. ang guitara ko.... huhuhuhuhu... i want to have you in my arms....

-- i jus don't get it. im not yet sleepy......
la man may ga sabat sa mga text ko... aythe!!!!

and so i replied. as i have promised.
but before the replies thing no... i caught myself holding my hands frequently. the reason is loneliness seeps in my veins.. the very thought of i need to go to the north! im waiting for the invitation sent by bimbim, and by then i think i could smack schedule and hmmmm refresh .... still it depends how the invitation will be processed by my crammed up brain and my jell-o type heart! hehehehe.. im crazy! i am!! he said so they said so... carry ko kaya! ha! JPC woke up 10am! wohoooooo bag mo harold ari pa di ay! heheh.. hmmm what else... ey try to listen to charlotte church's "even God" ahhh its like a simple question we always have each day.. faith faith faith! and then what else, went to oton for dinner and get back to city by 9 am, brother is fixing his airsoft gun and talkin' about jing gong! yateks!! and then the word for tonight is anxious -- in ilonggo- dammit! (ang shoes ) worry na sya actually daw gin panami lang sg mga psych! f()()(( and then regret... same.... nugonnan... hay naku,.... whatever...but we had a good laugh over those words... i call it the battle of the brilliant brainless thoughtless siblings... laugh trip!
and then i miss again the hug... la pa me kita best friend ahh... abi tama na seminar ... heheh sometimes i hate to say this words but please beer( heehh) with me! "pa, la ka na time mag tok sa akun and listen sa mga updates sa life ko pa... galing te anhun ko ina abi kay muna imo vocation!" and then i will cry. kay miss ko sya much... more than my mom. sorry mom but its just the freakin' truth of what i feel. hehehe level? one point lower than my sister! hehehe ... miss the most?... good conversation! but hey hey hey im having a good conversation over blog entries kaya.. so this si just a diff kind but still good conversation.

here it goes... the replies to mr anonymous!

ha.... i so know you. now! what's with anonymous. hahha.. erp?... love care faith hope and trust go together?... hahah yahhh yahhh! hitback.. we are always late! ( we bumped into each other ayt?..)hahah.... i so know who uses these words... -- toink innards are feeling squeezy! yeah smoke to kingdom come! ahah! love that! bakit OBGYNE doctor... becuz i think its the right thing to do babae at my age to have one, -- yeah marriage is a forever thing.. so i better ask me slf again no?... if we will it time will come we will hav the world to .. lets travel! hahaha.... away from this smackering hamlet and thoughtless earth! haah to the mars! perhaps smeone might have the wrong idea of thinking about me during the time of 3am of which i usually do wake up.. its kinda emily rose noh?... ahahah yeah at the end its how much we love. with hugs and kisses... hmmmm i might need to ask my very best friend for that great big hug and great big kiss on my forehead.. i don't know how is he going to do that with very tight sched but i know he will im going to ask for it...
--- ahoy mateyz!thanks for the comment! welcome to the blogger addicts!

okey the dots... hmmm im confused! but WHAT THE HECK... mic sound check... maybe the timing was not just in time..( shiet what a sentence!) fact! common to men--- malipaton! especially notice ko sa mga futuristic one... hahah see you around... and please be kind enough to flash the smile! -- ha! begging?.. no just asking! hheheh anyway its the right hting to do na nowadays.. to help other felt that they are warm and human being too... nheheh ...

--- reverberating--

that word i cannot just ignore as it was used by someone to describe my personality. and i don't know how true. hope he is in good disposition now...

lets snooze! time is 2am! good night bloggers!