battle in my brain

monday end up stuck at store!
tuesday half day sort ... was with RBA, LGA, RJS, and okey.. her name so happen to be like those very well known doll and well loved by little girls to have....Barbie dolls
karaoke night i so love!!! singing all the way! i enjoyed so much at annex
but before that we had a spicy dinner at krua thai, yeah it was fun... but what's more fun is the strong gush of wind... well i though JPC will be coming and so that i could have him with through the fire... but then i end up alone with that yeah lenj was soo damn fuckin' good over singing... we clicked! like a clicker! ahahah..
there i learned that she's (the doll) a shy type when in front of me.. i dunno why... is it my height? or my looks?.. or just the way i am??.. or he hated me too?
the matter of the fuck is - i hated her the first time i met her. why?.... here goes: 1. why is she so sticking to RBA?... ---> they are friends?
2. why RBA is so into her?----> maybe becuz of how her mom's cooks sweets that RBA loves? -- di namn siguro - - maybe they are just soo friends.
3. i look at her like plastic?...... - - come on.... stop holding back something
4. so what if am more manly than them?...
5. RBA is so always this happy to tell me about her. - - -> and there i am listening ... my hands getting cold and freeze!
-- i would want to ask HdAF about her, though I'm way past over this issue after all, i just want so that i cannot keep on going back and i would want to protect my friend too... thats RJS... i cannot ask RBA much about her for i might offend, its like I like her and i hated her... so what's the deal?.. i would want to ask HdAF about her... but then he is still busy with his life.
i believe that he4 knows and that he won't lie to me... or whatever that is and i would want him to be honest with me... i just want to ask him about like - - - how well you know her... or can you tell me more about her.... im not interested of what she do in life or how well she do in life or what is her life... but im more interested of what she really is. and then all of sudden as i lie on my back to prepare me self in shutting my eyes... i feel that she needs help... and so my hands are kinda wanting to reach out... i dunno but yes i can sense sometimes with people. and then i tagged her as " robert's girl"... but i hate it. and so i shall seek the comfort of my beloved harold! .. hmmmm
and then .. i can picture myself in a cozy bed of my beloved bestyfriend... i can even imagine his bedsheets... and when he starts the music on.... and we sorta like to talk about some or other things... ahhhh... i miss that ..... cannot be bought moment --- to die for ---
and i miss them so much.... and this experience of missing HF badly... is sooo ugh!uncontained. i cannot say that i am such a bitch over her but i can't help it... she's kinda fine naman... but yeah it just so happen that my friend can't get over her.. she(my friend) still hated her guts... so i told my friend -- leave her alone.. im sure that RBA is not that keen on whatever that is...
hayyy.... perhaps we ( i considered myself here as i have hated her too!) are just so afraid - (shiet i feel like cryin') that he might be carried away.... arghh.,.. i would hate and stab her at the back if that happens....
--- since i am not naive with what is going on to others thats why.. shiet happens and yes human as we are we need such... but it has to be a calculated risk... its not that we do not trust RBA ... we really do... what we do not trust is the doll... sorry but yes .... don't take that away from me.. that feeling of not trusting you for now as honestly i don't really know you .... ahhh... confused.. so i shall leave you in peace....